The Art Of Being Alone

Alone.

Not only in the physical sense but also in the mental capacity. Here I sit alone in my room, wishing and waiting to feel whole, to feel something. I’m not looking for a lover or a friend; I’m looking for something, anything, that will make me feel complete.

Every day passes by as mundane as the next, wake up, go to the library, spend all day sitting at a desk trying to get good grades so I can accomplish something worthwhile in my life. All these days studying, meticulously working on assignments until I can get them just right, and what do I have to show for it? A bachelors degree that will get me nowhere, my dreams of medical school unfulfilled.

I have worked so hard, so long, sacrificing so much of my time and freedom to be able to live a better life, but when will this life come?

When will I finally be able to relax and know I am where I am supposed to be, to be certain of myself and my action and my responsibilities? When will I finally not stay awake late at night worrying about life, and why do these thoughts wake me up well before my alarm every morning?

I just want to be free.

Not free in the sense that I want to buy a one-way ticket to some far away land, but free from myself. Free from the constant worry that plagues my brain, will I be good enough, will I be smart enough, will I make enough money to be happy in the future.

This is why I think being a 20- something is so hard, you have nothing to lose, but yet you have everything to lose.

One wrong turn could blemish your life forever, one bad investment, one wasted relationship, one failure that can cause you to lose confidence in yourself and this “gut feeling” everyone speaks of. I feel as if I am supposed to be finding myself, but how can I do so when I feel so trapped in my own life, desperate to get out and to feel something, desperate to find something worth dreaming of and worth my time.

We always compare ourselves to what others are doing, what they have, who they have become, but I do not want to waste my time with these worries.

I want to be myself with no worries. I want to do what feels natural, have only what I need and be who I have become. I feel as if the world is constantly on my shoulders, and I feel almost embarrassed to be writing this, as if someone is watching me and judging me, and thinking I am wasting my time.

Truth is, I believe everything I’ve done to this point of my life has been a waste of time. All the nights drinking myself into a drunken stupor just so something, anything, would happen. Spending my time around people I loathe, and who don’t even know me just to have the company. Pushing away the one person who has ever really loved me because I feel like I am not worthy for his love.

Here I sit crying, the emotional, stupid girl I was raised to be. I feel like an embarrassment in my own skin. I was never taught self-confidence, I over-analyze everything I do and say, and I am too observant. I take everything to heart, and everything affects me. I constantly crave attention, yet shy away and hide at the sight of it.

I feel most comfortable laying in my bed alone, yet I feel as if when I’m alone I’ve some how failed. I just feel alone all the time, even in the presence of others. I think I have a problem, or maybe I just have not yet conquered the art of being alone.