As far back as I can remember I have always had a love for boys. From the fifth grade all the way to right before I left for college, I had never been completely single. I relied on guys for my self-worth. The idea of ever being alone terrified me. I did not know how to be alone. It took getting my heart crushed to realize how wrong I was. It also took a great bit of time for me to learn that I was going to be just fine. The focus I had aimed towards boys throughout my life had been turned and focused on myself. I grew deeply tired of seeking approval, so I stopped seeking it.
What a great decision that was.
Once I began thinking for myself, doing what I want and took control over my own life great things started to happen.
I noticed how relaxing being alone can be. A long drive alone, loud music, windows down, topped off with a beautiful view turns out to be so empowering. I mean it, for some reason in that moment the sense of control over my life is crazy.
I noticed how great it feels to do anything you want to do. I could pack up my bags right now fly across the country and have the time of my life, with no guilt that I am missing someone so replaceable.
I noticed that it is no big deal if I do not look perfect. What even is perfect anyway? I bet perfect does not feel so great. Always priming, watching yourself, letting everyone define who you are. You know what does feel great? A long night with some great friends, your hair a mess, make up smeared, mix matched comfy clothing on, laughter that just will not stop and a large pizza.
I noticed how much I love my friends. The way my roommate wakes up with a smile every morning and dances around our room. The way one really just does not give a rat’s behind if you think she is weird(and yes that probably is her doing the worm on the common room floor). The way my friend with cancer (sorry I know you hate that) does not let the cancer define her, damn it she could be standing right in front of you and you would not even know she has it. The way my life long best friend would cut off her own leg to save the life of an animal, even those as small as a hamster.
Sure, boys still have a very special place in my heart, but they no longer define my self-worth. I am who I am because of me.