1. Realize you’ve made a grave mistake. Curse the day you ever walked into that room. Text her a billion times even though you know she’s probably asleep. Cry a bit. Blame it on the alcohol. Know it wasn’t the alcohol. Call them frantically, simultaneously hoping they’ll pick up and praying they won’t.
2. Call again.
3. Wake up the next morning with a pit in your stomach so huge you can’t imagine having ever been hungry. Hover your hand over your phone. Reach for it. No–pull back. Reach again. Call her and desperately try to explain what happened. Reel at the click and cry because you know you wouldn’t forgive yourself either.
4. Compose yourself. You’re going to be okay. No you’re not. Ignore everyone who texts you that day. Don’t eat anything. Show up for lunch and pretend to eat your vegan cake because what vegan doesn’t love vegan cake? Overanalyze their stares.
5. Read for class. Read for class. Read for class. Read the same line for the fourth time in the last twenty minutes. Try to read for class. Give up. Go to bed at eight.
6. Let time tick. Fall back. Stay to yourself. You don’t deserve happiness. Let a friend come up and bring you fruit and watch stupid TV with you. Be a downer the whole time.
7. Get some freakin’ perspective.
8. Think about the times you’ve walked her home at two AM sobbing from a bad night out. Think about the times you’ve woken up at midnight to hear her latest stories. Think about the fun you’ve had together. Know you would do anything for her. Know you are a good person. Know that this is not who you are, and at the very least not who you want to be moving forward.
9. Don’t ask for forgiveness–apologize. Apologize without unburdening your conscious. Apologize with the full intent of making her feel better. Don’t be selfish. Don’t beg for her forgiveness so you can move on.
10. Cry when you realize she’s a bigger person than you could ever hope to be. Cry hard and ugly as you squeeze her to death.
Learn from this, and all will be forgiven.