Cate Blanchett recently revealed her secret to a great marriage: having each other’s passwords. And I wholeheartedly agree.
I like to blame my first boyfriend for my deep trust issues. He cheated on me in an epic, triumphant way I’ve never really gotten over. From snooping through his phone, I found out he was seeing four other girls while we were in a full-fledged relationship. I wish I could say I regret snooping, but I don’t, because if it wasn’t for my lapse in judgment then I probably would’ve continued on as a cuckolded fool for God knows how long. I was obviously crushed, but at least it taught me one invaluable lesson: snooping will give you all the answers.
Every boyfriend I’ve had since I’ve been cripplingly suspicious of. It always starts out the same way—great, carefree, and forged in trust. But then, as I delve into his past or discover certain friends I hadn’t known about, our blissful relationship quickly turns sour as I scrutinize his every move. Since my first boyfriend, I haven’t abated my snooping habits. If anything, they’ve sort of blossomed.
And I wish I could say that I regret it, but every time I’ve snooped I’ve found something incriminating. I had my second boyfriend’s Facebook password; we were long-distance and so signing onto his Facebook was my way of trying to stay close to him—and this despite the fact that he had no idea I was doing this. Then one day while I was on his Facebook—the day before I was about to go visit him, actually—I watched him sext with a girl I had never heard of or met over Facebook chat. I wish I could say that both of these instances were anomalies, but they’re not. In fact, I have so many memories of snooping and finding that I’ve sort of lost track.
To be honest, I envy girls who aren’t suspicious of their boyfriends. But I’m starting to think it’s this feeling of inadequacy that I find so intoxicating, and part of the reason why I keep pursuing men who are disloyal. My boyfriend’s phone – and I’m not referring to any specific boyfriend, but just the general hypothetical boyfriend – has morphed into a truly threatening thing. I don’t see it anymore as a mere phone; it’s come to symbolize so much more for me than just a means of communication. So much so that my boyfriend just taking out his phone is enough to give me a surge of anxiety. I see his phone as so much more than just a quick way to get his work email; I see it as a cauldron of secrets and betrayals. I don’t continue to snoop because I have a perverse desire to get hurt. I continue to snoop because I don’t want to be made a fool of and because I yearn so badly to be proved wrong.
And it’s really starting to fuck with me. I’ve started to read into texts that are nothing more than friendly exchanges, and use up my energy being jealous over girls who aren’t a threat whatsoever. And yet, I still won’t ever stop. I guess for me it’s about feeling justified—publicly justified. I want to know that my boyfriend is with me fully, and not putting on fronts or facades in front of other girls. I want to feel wanted and, most of all, not worried that I’m being cheated on.
I continue to snoop because I still have faith that I can meet a guy whose cell phone or email doesn’t contain a sexting exchange or proof of infidelity. And is that wrong? I tend to think not.