Being someone who I shouldn’t be is wrong and honestly it took me a lot of time to realize it. Shame on me.
I wanted to be noticed, I don’t know why. I guess I just really like the attention. I like the feeling of being noticed because for me ( a regular student without that high rating popularity status). Being noticed is a big thing because it make you feel that your not a nobody after all. And there goes the sudden answer. It helps me feel alive and happy.
Though as the time pass by, people around me becomes more powerful– wild maybe. They speak without thinking what the person may feel with the sharp words that came out of their mouth, as their friend I did not know that I was doing the same thing to – you know, so that they would not call me ‘joy killer’. We become dragons blowing fire without any warning and not caring about the people we’ll have to hurt just to get a laugh from everybody in the dark side.
We use other people’s flaws just to start a conversation. Each of us will state one flaw of the person so that we can agree all together and laugh at – like an unspoken rule, so we can have a topic all through out the conversation
As the time pass by they grew comfortable around me – too comfortable that they thought they won’t mind if they make a joke out of my flaws. It hurts but I’ll just keep it to myself and never let them see how it emotionally affects me (I know they’ll judge me more for it). But sometimes I don’t mind it because I do it to them too, as a pay back but sometimes to make other people who are watching us laugh and clap.
As the time pass by their words grew sharper, and I realized that my attitude is turning like one of those loud attention seeker in our class that I hated so much– because they’re so annoying, like sOOO ANNOYING THEY’RE LOUD AF. And my realization makes me cringe at myself, I’m so dissapointed at me.
It makes me want to shut away myself from other people, I wanted to be alone for the first time. And as I think of the thought it makes me feel guilty for those time that we would laugh at a single person who walks alone. I realized that people who are alone are not always lonely, sometimes they just don’t want to hang out with attention seekers or losers.