I am more of an introvert than anyone else I know. I enjoy socializing, but from afar. When I do actually have to socialize, I literally will count down the hours until I can escape to isolated safety. This may sound kind of depressing, right? But in actuality, there is nothing I love more than being alone! Being alone to an introvert is like being at the best party you’ve ever been to to an extrovert.
Below are some people that have pissed me off solely because of my trademark introvertedness:
1. The person who sat on the couch next to me at the bookstore. Oh my god, seriously? Are you really gonna sit down two feet from me while there’s so many other couches to choose from? This is just wrong.
2. Every checkout counter person. Yes, I found everything I needed obviously because I am checking out and no I do not care to know your opinion on how cute that shirt is.
3. The people that wave at you in your car while they’re walking down the street. I do not know you so please do not wave at me and expect me to respond similarly. Damn you, southern hospitality.
4. The overly-eager waiter at Red Robin. Thanks for being so hyperactive, but it doesn’t make up for you never filling up my drink. Maybe you should focus more on that rather than screaming in my ear about cheeseburgers and endless fries. I became parched and was too shy to flag you down.
5. All friendly boys. I can’t talk to you. Not because I don’t want to but because my mouth won’t let me. And when my mouth opens it’s usually an insult. But I mean it nicely. It’s your fault, really, for coming up to me in the first place to strike up a conversation when I’m clearly contemplating whether I will watch Hell’s Kitchen or Masterchef tonight. This is why I’m single.
6. Teachers who call on me in the middle of class. You know me as the girl who never speaks but always does so good on everything, but that doesn’t give you the right to call me out in the middle of class by saying: “Girl with hair in face, do you ever speak? How do you make such good grades if you do not speak?” I don’t need to use my voice to create intelligence. Hate you.
7. Person who just called me. Yes, I did just press ignore at exactly the right amount of time where you can’t tell I ignored you. It’s your fault you wanted to hear my voice instead of texting me.
8. Same person who just left me a voicemail. I will not listen to it. And will hate you forever.
9. My Pilates teacher. Too peppy. It’s just wrong to be that peppy. I thought Pilates was relaxing? She is a peppy satan. Don’t make me move to the front of the class just let me sit in my corner and allow me to struggle silently.
10. Everyone except my dog. The end.