It’s So Hard To Not Miss You

woman sitting in bed at sunrise
Twenty20 / @zepolixel

I think about you every day.

Sometimes it’s late at night when my brain drifts toward the thoughts of you that I try to avoid. Other times a memory is triggered. It could be something as simple as driving past your street that I used to frequent or hearing a song from one of the million YouTube videos we watched curled up in your bed. Whatever it may be, you cross my mind and I think it’s safe to say that you will always hold a special place in my heart.

The conversation was easy and genuine with you the night we met. Even after inviting you over after the party, we sat outside on the porch talking for hours. We talked about what’s really important to us and our beliefs. I truly had zero expectations of what we would become, so when we were still hanging out six months later; it was clear that I cared about you way more than I ever thought I would, and I still do.

I ended things abruptly and I don’t expect you to understand. You met me during the hardest year of my life and in those six months, I realized we were going down a path that I worked hard to escape; a road that resulted in two years of ups and downs and heartbreak. I couldn’t risk repeating the pain that you helped me heal from. I just wish I had thanked you for it. I was unsure of what to say, however, with almost certainty I can tell you that I had never been quite as broken as I was when you sat across from me the day we met. The last thing I expected to happen at that moment was to meet a man worth my time. I realize with how I ended things, you probably assume I feel differently, but please believe me when I say that you were the best part of my 2017.

You made me laugh in a way nobody else could. You remembered things I said and when we were together, I always felt like I could be myself. Plus, the fact you always had a bottle of red wine ready for me was just the icing on the cake. I laugh when I think about the night you couldn’t get the cork out of the bottle and you ended up spilling it all over your white shirt. You were so angry but I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time.

You had the ability to make everything fun. I appreciated how you always insisted on trying on your new clothes for me, probably because it usually resulted in us making out like teenagers all over your apartment. Your footie pajamas, need I say more? Or the time I so badly wanted to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest CD and you said you refused to have her music playing when there was a “beautiful” woman in your bed. When I think about it, some of my favorite moments were just sitting and talking, even if you were so scatterbrained at times that you couldn’t finish a solid thought. But that was who you were and I wouldn’t have changed it, even if I could.

As much as I cared for you, I understood that you couldn’t be what I needed you to be and I’ll never blame you for it. I know you had your own struggles, but you will always be one of the best guys I have ever known. I just hope that your memories of me are just as positive as my memories of you. Because even now, after the sudden end, I have zero regrets and I would do it all over again. It’s just hard not to miss you, you know? I miss the middle of the night conversations. I miss your cheesy jokes. I miss seeing the sides of you that you rarely let people see. But I think most of all, I miss seeing you light up when you talked about your child. You are an incredible father.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, but if you do I want you to know what you meant to me and how thankful I am to have had the time together we did. I hold a hope that maybe eventually we will reconnect and maybe we can both be what each other needs. But until then, I’ll be rooting for you from afar. TC mark

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