Society is big on relationships. In a sense, if you aren’t wanted or chased by someone, you aren’t seen as desirable. We all know being desirable is deemed the ultimate goal by today’s standards.
However, I need you to know that there is so much more to life than being considered desirable.
You have your career, your passions and your legacy. Work towards making them everything they can be. Make a bucket list and check everything off the damn thing. Learn to be your own hero. You see, when you least expect it is when we find someone so why not enjoy life in the meantime?
Like many of you, the dating world makes me cringe. You can usually find me hiding from every possible date I find myself being asked on. I tend to play dumb if I feel like someone is flirting with me and when I blatantly get asked out, I just pretend I am not available; or I tell them lesbian. I had that one backfire on me once so I tend to stay away from that excuse. If I am being honest, unless you are an emotionally unavailable man, I am not interested. It is those guys that tend to be like catnip to me. I lose the sense to say no. I mean, if you really knew my dating record you would get a good laugh. My last couple “relationships” ended in me being really hurt and feeling pretty worthless.
The feeling of worthlessness was different for me because I’ve always been a fairly confident person. I mean, when it comes to everything but dating. I rarely got nervous for job interviews or school presentations. I have been told that I have a way with people and an ability to really work a room when I need to. However, none of this confidence carried over into my love life. You see, when it comes to dating, I have always questioned my worth. I can’t think of a real reason as to why, other than I grew up with the insecurity of my weight and allowing other to make me feel as though I am unlovable because of my size. I’ve been told that I’d be so much “cuter” if I “slimmed down”. I let men treat me differently because I couldn’t see my own worth.
Which looking back, I realize it is total bullshit but it doesn’t change the fact that I felt that way.
I’ve asked myself a simple question a lot the last couple weeks. What is the point in making myself date when I clearly find myself feeling uncomfortable the whole time? Yes, you learn a lot about yourself when you start exploring the dating world. You learn about things you want in a partner. You learn the things you don’t want. You learn the things you are willing to compromise on. Then there are things you quickly learn are not as important as you originally thought. Height, hair color, body shape, job, social status; these are all things that we assume we know what we would want. However, it’s often we realize that what really counts is if they are a good person, if there is an initial attraction and if you both bring something to the table. Something that makes not just your life but their life better.
It took me 28 years to learn but just because most everyone around me is in a relationship or casually dating doesn’t mean I need to be as well. Because I have learned that this is the time for me.
One day, I will look back at this time of freedom and adventure and realize it’s never going to be like that again. This is the time to enjoy my single status and do all the things that are important to me.
Because at some point, when I’m least expecting it, someone is going to see me for how I should to be seen and they will know to not let me go. All the games I’ve endured and all the tears I have cried will no longer mean much. I will have built my own incredible life and that will be something no relationship can take away from me.