I think I have always had this vision of what it would be like to finally feel like I was making progress toward living my best life. You know, to experience the “aha” moment when something happens and you don’t find yourself running around looking for an adult, because you are in fact, the adult.
I assumed the turning point would be a happy day. I figured the clouds would instantly dissipate, the birds would chirp and I’d be walking around looking like my own fierce version of Beyoncé, with her song “flawless” blaring in the background. I am sad to say my expectations could not have been more wrong.
My life changing moment started painfully. I still remember the overwhelming feeling of despair I was once consumed with. The cracking pain in my chest after I decided I had to say goodbye to the one person I ever fell in love with. Even to this day, I still wake up from nightmares reminding me of the scary
place I once found myself slipping into. I felt scared, alone and I had no idea how to explain to anyone what I was going through. So, I hid it. I kept the smile on my face and pushed through, hoping to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
What I didn’t realize was I was going to break before I would see the light. The exact time I hit my breaking point was a Saturday morning at 11:07am. I was getting ready for a wedding and I was thinking through the mess that was my mind at any given moment.
Suddenly my chest started to hurt and it became really hard to breathe. I felt lost. I felt overwhelmed. I felt weak. I broke down crying and it was at that moment I completely fell apart. It was like the dam broke and every emotion I had tried to shove down resurfaced all at once.
I tend to be the person that people turn to when their world falls apart. As flattering as it is that people trust me to see and know the darkest parts of them, I struggle with trusting people enough to show them my own demons. There are very few people I confide in when my world starts to shake. I eventually reached out for help, but it took hitting my breaking point to do it.
The only way to have calmed myself down long enough to even fathom the thought of working on things was to medicate. My doctor knew I hadn’t been sleeping and that I was battling some pretty severe depression. I had refused medication before but I knew that at this moment in time, I needed to get stabilized and then figure out the reason behind the problems. Not just
So how does one recover from a rock bottom moment? That was the question I kept asking myself. If I have learned anything, it is that everybody’s journey is different. For me, it started with some harsh realizations.
My self-esteem had taken a beating. I had lost myself somewhere in the years that passed. I was a very well-liked person who didn’t like herself. Admitting my own disdain for myself was extremely painful but very necessary. It made me dissect every insecurity I had and go back to how it started, then figure out why. After opening old wounds, you have to figure out the best way to heal them and prevent them from happening again. To say I was an angry person during this whole self discovery process was an understatement. It was extremely painful.
After some persuading, I was convinced to try a kickboxing class. It was 100% out of my comfort zone but I quickly found a family with the other members. My trainers started as just fitness junkies who liked to yell bag combos at me, and quickly became some of the the most inspiring people I have ever met. On days I don’t think I can continue on this journey, they remind me that I am strong. They are there to listen when I need someone to listen and they are there to push me when it’s necessary. They helped me see that I am the only thing standing in the way of being where I want to be.
You see, breaking down all my insecurities and then starting to rebuild myself taught me a lot. When you put so much into yourself, you are less likely to accept treatment you don’t deserve. I hit rock bottom and realized that I allowed myself to fall so low because I didn’t care about myself like I needed to.
I put more into the people around me when I really needed to take that energy and use it toward bettering myself. I also spent too much time comparing myself to others and where they were rather than worry about where I was headed.
I won’t lie, it all sucked at first. Nobody wakes up and thinks that they want to have a breakdown. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. Even the dark places I went were worth it. It shaped me into who I am now; a strong, funny, powerful and independent woman. If I didn’t have to tackle my demons, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to see exactly what I’m capable of. I learned when we own our story, we can write the ending we choose. I am here to tell you that the process of healing is an exhausting, heartbreaking and at times excruciating experience.
However, you need it. If it were easy, then it wouldn’t be right. You deserve to mend, grow and to be genuinely happy. You deserve to be the best version of yourself possible.