This letter has been written to you more times than I can count. I don’t know exactly what I am needing to say, but I know something needs to be said. I have accepted a job and I’m about to move away from everything familiar to me. I’ve taken the plunge to go somewhere new and I just need everything out in the open if I’m really going to start fresh.
I can still picture the first time I met you. It’s burned in the back of my mind. Your stare. Your smile. Your sarcasm. Part of me truly believes I fell in love with you at that moment.
I’ve told you so many times, it was like my world shifted.
I remember the first time you asked me to have dinner with you. I told you I had errands to run before I could meet, but really I had to give myself a pep talk. Then do my hair in 57 different ways before leaving it down like it originally was. At dinner, we talked for hours before looking up and realizing the whole restaurant had closed. You let me into your past. We both had it rough. We had single moms and struggled watching family members lose their battles with addictions. You told me about your last relationship and how it destroyed you. I told you about my fear of letting people in, only to be left.
I remember holding your hand for the first time inside the haunted house. It felt so natural.
I remember how you were the highlight of my Christmas. We spent the evening volunteering, something we both had always wanted to do. My favorite memory is our first time at the beach together. We went with our best friends, who happen to be married. We spent the day at “my beach” as you call it. You watched me play in the waves from the shore and laughed when I face planted it. You told me you had never seen me as beautiful as I was right there. In fact, you called me a “beautiful mess”. It was probably the half drenched hair, and bright red lips that matched my cherry swimsuit. When we made it home that night, you told me again how beautiful I was. That was the moment I knew you had loved me just as much as I loved you.
I had finally met someone who understood my broken pieces and still liked me in spite of them. You, more than any guy in my life, had taken the time to truly get to know me. Not the surface me, but the down to the core, dark and twisty. You saw my insecurities and met my demons. I experienced some of the highest highs and lowest lows in my relationship with you. I opened myself up completely to you and although extremely terrifying, it was something I never thought I could do.
Why did I have to fall so hard and get hurt so bad?
I have come to the conclusion that maybe you needed to know there are good people in this world who can love you without wanting you to change. I know I needed to be shown that I am capable of having these deep feelings for another human being.
I’m sorry I never discussed my move with you. You were the only person who had the power to get me to stay and I knew I’d be staying for all the wrong reasons. I’d be staying for the false hope that you’d be ready. I’d be staying for the feeling I get when you look at me as if I’m something special to you. I’d be staying because when it comes down to it, I know there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you. That is such a scary feeling. To be willing to put your happiness ahead of my own and wait for you, even though you may never be ready.
I will find someone who’s willing to say the things you never did and do the things you could never do. I know for a fact, that one day you’ll regret with every piece of you, not giving us a shot. I may not be the prettiest, smartest, or the skinniest girl who’s ever fallen for you, but I would never leave you. I would never hurt you and I will never not love you. That’s loyalty that you won’t find with anyone else and you lost it.