I can feel myself becoming out of touch with what I’ve meditated on from almost two months ago. It kind of scares me because I don’t want to revert back to bad habits. At the same time I’m becoming more comfortable and open, letting go of things that used to worry me, but now I view as mere nuisances that I can comfortably deal with for now or not even think about at all.
I’ve noticed myself become less emotional and more proactive but this could be something that may hinder or improve my progress. Haven’t figured it out yet. There’s a balance but I’m still conflicted on how I feel. Am I doing things without feeling? Am I losing touch with my emotional side? Do I have a subconscious negative view on my path and where I’m going but feel distracted to the point where I’m accepting of it?
I can see myself keeping people at a “healthy” distance. Close enough to know the basics but far enough to become too emotionally involved. Am I still comparing people to the last person I entertained physically and emotionally? I keep my eyes open and as Emily Dickinson put it, “Dwell in possibility.” Do I know what I want? Can I find it? Do I even have to find it? Why can’t it find me?
I almost feel soulless but empathetic enough to still care about another person. But just enough for them to know that I’m human and that I do have feelings but not enough to invest anything further than a mere kiss or encouraging text. I still use emojis though. Lots of them.
I’m not sure if it’s the changing of the tides or simply the growing up process that has me acting and viewing relationships in this manner. I still care and I am still capable of being my passionate self but have I taken a step back and become more…lax? Stereotypically, I don’t want to get hurt so I’m careful not to divulge anything about my past too soon or even at all.
I’m also suffering from writer’s block but have seemed to get this out of me.