This is the first time I’ve written in about eight months. I heard somewhere that writing when you’re sad is actually therapeutic but that could be a topic for debate. Everyone has their own way of coping. Mine so happens to be writing. Or at least I thought it was. My last post was from last December and I’m not too sure what I’d written (because I’m too embarrassed to look at it now), but I still have an idea of how I felt and it wasn’t great. It’s as if I have glimpses of what happened still playing in my head but the record is kind of scratchy. Overall, the feeling I felt back then is still remembered. And I think overtime, I learned how to cope without writing about whatever was bothering me. Or maybe I was just too sad to write. It doesn’t really matter what happened in the past because I’m writing now and I’m talking to absolutely no one and I’m writing furiously for absolutely no fucking reason about writing when you’re sad.
So back to what I was talking about…
I recently read a Thought Catalog article called There is Beauty In Learning by Monica Stout. To sum up the post (and to force you to take time out of your busy schedule to actually read the damn thing), it basically captured the God-awful truth to a lot of things we hold so close to our hearts…yeah, I’m talking about that thing called l-o-v-e. Gross. Just kidding. But it really said in an honest, sincere way that sometimes love is heartbreaking and all that bullshit about wanting things we can’t have is actually quite true. And it’s something we learn from no matter how good or bad the situation was.
As much as we want to constantly be hopeful for positive things in our future, sometimes we still hold onto the past because we cherished those times so much. At least the good parts that is. We’re so blinded by all of the amazing things that happened that we fail to see the things that went wrong. We think we can’t get it ever again or that no one loves us or will love us. And that what happened is a set in stone kind of thing (when sometimes it always isn’t). I honestly think (and when I say “honestly” it’s because I’m not feeling like shit at the moment) these moments of sadness or hopelessness stem from the fear of starting over. Back to the drawing board. Not knowing what the fuck to do, where to start, how to cope, or to even get out of bed. I feel like an asshole because there are so many other people in the world that have a reason to not get out of bed: a loved one dying, having an unwanted miscarriage, or just having a legit case of depression. And here I am, feeling like an infant not knowing how to even function because I’m so sad.
As much as I hear it from my friends, this kinda stuff takes time. It’s an epic hangover of feeling like your heart just got ran over and now it’s in the street and you can’t really scrape it off the pavement because there’s too much traffic. Sorry for the gruesome imagery but you get the idea.
And yeah, maybe I’m one of those types of people that just feel “way too much” over the littlest things and I’m certainly not one to get over things quickly or take bad news lightly when first told. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I could easily have other worse qualities like not having any feelings at all over someone I’ve hurt, or doing things out of spite or to seek revenge; all things that would seem normal or a way of coping with pain, but I know in my heart is so wrong to do so I don’t.
I’ve learned after heartbreaking instances that in order to actually get over something that hurts so much, is to almost face it like a fear. I’ve let myself sit in my own pain for periods of time when I didn’t know how to handle it. It’s like watching a scary movie to get over the fact that the Boogie Man doesn’t actually exist under your bed or if you chant “Bloody Mary” three times, she won’t appear out of thin air and eat you. It’s almost like allowing yourself to feel like shit and realizing that shitty feeling is real and it won’t go away until you’ve accepted it. And there are so many things that happened in my life that unfortunately I had to accept, no matter how many times I’ve been told differently (this is where you should probably read the link above). And this is a process that I’m going through now. It’s like I’m facing demons of reality that are so hard to accept but it’s almost like I have to in order to move on, or to at least get out of bed in the morning at a more decent time without thinking to myself “here’s to another day of feeling shit so just try to survive it.”
Sometimes the answers to our simple questions will never be known. People can easily walk away and wash their hands clean of a situation without ever dealing with it, only leaving the other parties involved with the mess to clean up. Sometimes love will last and other times it was only experienced for a fleeting moment, a moment which a lot of us wished would have lasted forever. Closure is something only hoped for but never always guaranteed. Sitting down and talking about feelings is something people just don’t have time to do anymore and that isn’t anyone’s fault.
There are so many things I wish to know but I’ll never get the answers to. I’ve learned to accept that. Or at least I’m TRYING to accept it. I’ll still go through up and downs and twists and turns and never know the reason as to what it is all happening. And I’ll never know why things happen the way they do – that’s just life. That’s the hardest thing about life.
One thing one of my best friends Tori told me a few weeks ago is “there’s no reason for you to go through it alone.” And she was absolutely right. So although I’m the one who’s dealing with whatever is making me feel sad, I’m surrounding myself with probably the best people in my life who I never needed this badly before. At the same time, these amazing people that I rely on so much will not always be available when I’m going through a tough time because they have lives too and other loved ones to take care of.
This is the part where facing monsters called “fear,” “anxiety,” “uncertainty,” and “sadness” have to be fought all on one’s own. And it’s monsters like these that you’ll have to fight either one by one (think of it like different levels of your favorite video game…that’s the nerd in me) or all at the same time. In the past, I’d use to suppress these feelings with distraction – alcohol, going out, seeking attention from people I didn’t really want attention from but knew I could get it, and literally any other way that would erase any thought of whatever it was that was bothering me. But these were just temporary fixes. Because sooner or later, I’d find myself all alone and not knowing what to do. And that’s where I really would panic. Because the last thing you want to do is deal with something you didn’t wanna deal with. We were taught “the easy way out” in most situations. But as I’ve grown up and gone through heartbreak after heartbreak, I’ve realized that running away from a painful experience and not accepting it and letting yourself heal from it will only bring you back to the situation from where you started. It’s like running laps and not knowing when is the race is actually over.
I still forget to breathe somedays and other times I’ll get bursts of energy and motivation to feel absolutely optimistic only to be followed by a few seconds of worry and doubt of what’s to happen in the future. But this is all part of the process; all part of MY process.
So I’m still learning to relax and let go. I’m still learning to accept things out of my control. I’m still learning to love people despite what they’ve done to me or to my self-worth. I’m still learning to be confident and to be able to stand alone when I have nowhere else to go. I’m still learning to be completely alone sometimes especially when it’s scary. I’m still learning to hope again that one day everything I’ve ever wanted for myself will fall into place at the right time and in the right moment. Learning to accept that I will not know when that time is, is probably the most important thing to learn from all of this.