1. Open a banana from the “bottom.”
Grab a banana the way you normally would, and flip it upside down. Now, just pinch the base, and the banana will unfold with unbelievable ease.
I eat bananas every day, and this one has saved me that little extra bit of strain and effort in the morning.
In case you’re interested, this is how monkeys open bananas. So, congratulations! You’re now as banana-smart as monkeys.
2. Only bring as much money into a strip club as you are willing to spend.
Strip clubs are expensive. Lap dances are expensive. And any large bills you spend will be rewarded with change in the form of single dollar bills. And those disappear quickly too.
Let me be clear up front. I love strip clubs, and have had only positive experiences. But it can be a financial strain on any gentleman.
When I turned 18 I celebrated by going to a very swanky strip club in Dallas with some of my best friends.
We had to pay $30 at the door to get inside, and — because we were under 21 — we had to wear some ridiculous shirts they handed us that had “MINOR” printed on them in big, bolded red letters. Luckily, the fact that we were MINORS actually made the strippers “like us” more — so we wound up spending more money. Something about having a stripper say, “Oh, you’re only 18? I’m going to ruin you!” used to sound sexy, but now it sounds oddly appropriate. They will, indeed, ruin you. Financially. Which is fine, as long as you have enough!
And don’t try to hit up the ATMs inside the strip club (Oh yes, they have those!). There will be a $9 charge tacked on, because the ATM belongs exclusively to the First National Bank of Fuck You.
3. Buy AA batteries when you are at the store.
For whatever reason, most of my friends never seem to have any spare AA batteries. Here is my foolproof method of never again having to rip apart your apartment to find some juice for Player 2 in FIFA 14 when the game is tied at 2-2 in overtime with 5 minutes left…
When you’re at the grocery store, or the gas station, or whatever, make a point to buy a case of AA batteries. They’re like $4, and I can guarantee that you’ll need them in the future.
I don’t even know why this is a problem that needs solving, but only because I have seen this happen so many times — with so many people — it makes the list.
4. Cook bacon in the oven.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Juan, I’ve been making amazing bacon on the stove for years!” you might say.
To which I would respond, “No, you haven’t. Your bacon sucks, and my name isn’t pronounced Waaaannn. But I am still going to change your life.” Ready?
Step 1: Get a cookie sheet and cover it in aluminium foil.
Step 2: Heat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
Step 3: Put strips of bacon on the foil, and place in oven.
Step 4: Cook the strips of bacon for 10-12 minutes (depending on your oven).
Step 5: Commence the union between face and bacon.
The oven cooks the bacon properly, at an even temperature, and from all sides the right way. You don’t even need to flip these bad boys.
The downside, however, is that it takes longer to cook bacon in the oven than in the microwave or on the stove. But I promise you; oven bacon will be crispier, less de-hydrated, and generally more consistent than either of the others.
5. Reheat pizza on the stove.
I promise this is the last one related to cooking. And for anyone out there thinking that I’m a stove hater, you couldn’t be further from the truth. I adore the stove. Specifically, to reheat my pizza.
The reason that re-heating a pizza on the stove is so great is because it cooks the pizza the right way—from the crust. If you toss a slice of pizza on a pan over a stovetop — on medium heat — it will begin to cook the pizza just right. The crust will get crispy, and the cheese will begin to melt and become delicious again.
I like this reheating method so much, that I will actually toss slices from a new pizza after bringing it home just to make it taste fresh out of the oven. It really works that well.
Don’t ever worry again about having dry, dehydrated pizza from the microwave! Don’t fuss with that burned, piece of shit slice of pizza that came out of the oven! Your destiny is waiting for you, friend. Why don’t you go out and seize it?
6. When tying your shoes, tie the traditional bow knot properly.
Assuming you don’t do any of that bunny ears kindergarten bullshit, this tip applies to you. You know that traditional “shoelace knot?” It’s also called the “bow knot.” It’s the one that everybody learns. We have all been taught the wrong version of the knot.
The proper form of the knot—the stronger version — has a simple variation. At the end of the process, when you are “looping” the knot, make sure to do it the opposite way. It’s sort of hard to describe, so here’s a quick YouTube tutorial.
Now you no longer have to worry about your shoelaces coming untied.
In fact, you may not even have to double-knot your laces anymore — the knot is so strong, that any extra knotting is superfluous.
Personally, I think you should always double-knot. But that’s just one man’s opinion. I hate untied shoelaces.
7. Drink more water.
For those of you who have made it this far, thank you. You’re a rose among thorns.
One of the main themes of this listicle has been my supreme dislike for dehydrated, shitty pizza and/or bacon. It should come as no surprise then, dear reader, that I like to treat my body similarly to my bacon and/or leftover pizza—I prefer to have it hydrated.
Regardless of what anyone may tell you, water is essential to your well-being, and drinking lots of it can be very beneficial. Yes, I know you can get water from fruit. Yes, I know you get “water” from your coffee. Just hear me out.
Water — just simple, filtered tap water—has been medically proven to help control calories, make your skin look better, and energize your muscles. Even if you don’t think you need extra water, I promise you that it won’t hurt. And, it will help.
I’m no extremist — I don’t subscribe to the notion that once you’re thirsty it’s too late. That’s ridiculous. If you are thirsty, that means you should drink something soon; my recommendation is that you try and make it water rather than soda, iced tea, or basically anything not-water. Pure water is delicious, and your body craves it. Drink more, and you will be better off.
Enjoy, friends. And never forget:
“Bacon in the oven, pizza on the stove.”