We always hear this from other people when they finally know you are already in a relationship: never give your all to a person so that if they leave, you won’t be hurt too much.
I was warned countless of times that I should guard my heart, be careful, not give too much. But when you experience love, not the ‘butterflies-in-your-stomach’ kind of love or the ‘smooth-and-silent’ kind of love, rather the fiery-passionate-soulful kind of love and modern-but-raw-and-deep kind of love that we might only get few times or even once in our lifetime, you’re more than willing to break your own rules.
And that’s what happened.
I broke my own rules for this person, risking everything I could risk – no doubts, just love. It was a good feeling though, a good kind of high. It was something I’d never thought would end but ended anyway. It was a crashing, burning, shattering kind of ending. It took everything out of me. I was left lost, confused, and empty. As dramatic as it may sound, I felt as if my soul died. You’d never imagine how many times I heard the words “I told you so” – some comforting, some not.
But the truth is, I don’t regret it.
I don’t have regrets that I gave everything I could give to the person. I don’t have regrets that I broke my own rules just to attend, welcome, nurture that intense and genuine love I had.
I don’t have regrets that I lost the person because I know I fought hard and held on longer than I should.
I don’t have regrets that I loved the person with my core and lost myself in the process.
I don’t regret; instead, I am thankful.
I am thankful because loving the person so much, breaking my own heart, and losing myself took away all the things not good and not meant for me.
I am thankful because it took away my stupidity.
I am thankful because it took away the lies, the pain, the tears.
I am thankful because I proved to myself that I can love a person that much – genuine and electrifying.
I am thankful because I got to realize my worth.
I am thankful because I can now prepare a new room for the love that is deserving, matching my fire.
I am thankful because I am finally free to open new and more exciting doors of adventures for me.
I am thankful because I will give birth to a bolder, wiser, stronger version of myself.
I am thankful I lost myself because that means I am meant for finding greater things ahead.