Time has passed since the tragedy of us drifting apart took place. Time has passed since my days were spent with an intense anxiety and panic attacks from the trauma you scarred in my chest. But don’t get me wrong, I still get them from time to time – and it sucks.
I lived a huge part of my existence believing that losing you was paralyzing – and it was.
Losing you was a crippling, day-to-day struggle where I almost wished myself to please just die. Losing you tasted like a bitter fate in a once upon a time’s mirthful serenade. Losing you was a paradox – a silent scream and a loud sigh.
I tried my best to avoid everything that could remind me of your goodness – thank me for a little credit – which some days I have successfully fulfill, some days not. On days that I failed and crumbled back to those memories I stayed up late or never slept at all because every time I closed my eyes, nightmares would come racing to haunt and terrorize my supposed sweet slumber.
I’d be lying if I said I am finally free from you. Because you still cross my mind. You still cross my mind, not because I saved a spot for you there. You cross my mind, not because I’ve been really thinking about you. NO.
I don’t even want you in my brain enjoying yourself, let alone intentionally putting you there. And I’ve been wondering why it has to be like that. Maybe my brain wires got twisted from the ventriloquy you put me to, forgetting that I am a real human being not your dainty little puppet. Maybe you left some time-ticking bombs that when I am almost having my life back, one press and here you are, sinisterly laughing in my mind.
You still cross my mind though my whole being is set to move forward. You still cross my mind as if there’s a force stopping me from breaking free.
But here’s the truth, you may still cross my mind but that doesn’t mean I miss you. I. Don’t. Miss. You. Anymore.
I am eager and determined to finally get rid of the remnants of you, but my mind is just betraying me. And it’s reminding me more of you and your betrayal.
What kind of evil spell have you cast on me? You’re such a strong force to clash with. I guess I have to accept the fact that you tricked my mind into believing you will stay forever. I guess I have to accept the fact that you are going stay forever, but in the way I didn’t expect it to be.
I guess I have to accept that even after you’re gone, you’re still here – not in my heart – but still poisoning me.