I sit here going through all the memories, maybe ones I’ve only made up. I look at your pictures and how much you’ve changed from the day you told me you felt lucky to have me to the day you said you didn’t know what you wanted. Throughout this process of being without you, I’ve felt every feeling—anger, sadness, nostalgia, rejection, unworthiness, and mostly love. How I could possibly feel so many things at once, I couldn’t tell you.
All the questions circling in my mind:
I gave it my best shot—was I not enough?
You were the first one to tell me you love me, yet why were you the first one to give up?
You said you felt lucky to be with me, so why did you take my love for granted?
Was it because you knew I’d always be there whenever you call?
Was it because you knew I loved you even if there were days you didn’t deserve it at all?
I warned you.
I told you I never wanted to reach this point, where I’d get tired of trying. I told you I didn’t want to feel like I was the only one fighting.
But today, I wave my white flag.
Today, I surrender.
I’ve had enough of the questions with no answers. I’m tired of putting myself out there, trying to show you that I’m good enough. You see, I have to stop believing in all your sweet words that we’ll work it out someday.
And that we will be together someday.
My love is not made up of somedays. I’m not someone who will settle for the surface kind of love. Maybe now I can see how different we really are. How much we’re so not meant to be. You continue to have people linger on “somedays,” all the while you are saying “I love you always,” as if “always” and “somedays” aren’t antonyms.
So I close my eyes, and tell myself it’s okay to let you go. It’s okay to set you free. It’s okay to lose someone you loved with all your heart. It’s okay to surrender and stop holding on to love.
Because sometimes love is letting go of someone who’s forcing themselves to love you.
Sometimes, love is moving on.