Okay, so, confession time: I have an OkCupid profile. I know that almost everyone does these days, but it’s still somehow a bit embarrassing. I recently moved to a new city across the country, and my roommate was constantly talking about her OkCupid messages, and after a few months of peer pressure, I finally got my own account around three weeks ago. I’ll admit that I started out with, and continue to have, extremely low expectations of the site, and mostly joined for entertainment purposes. I mean, there are just so many dirty bathroom mirror selfies, misspelled proclamations of intellectual prowess, & all the free compliments a girl could ask for. Truly, wafting through my message inbox on a dull Tuesday night was infinitely more rewarding that my Netflix queue. What could the downside to this site possibly be? Gee, I don’t know, LOSING YOUR FAITH IN MALE HUMANITY? Seriously guys, it’s time to step up your cyber game. I don’t understand how you possibly expect to ever procreate with these lines…. I present to you a few highlights that embody my OkCupid experience:
WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY
So, I received this message on the first day that I had OkCupid, while I was still young and naïve and responding to all of my messages. Does this guy not realize that I was attempting to have a playful conversation with him? Am I missing something? THIS FAT HO DON’T WANNA TALK 2 U NO MO
Yeeeeaaaah, the funny thing is that I don’t believe you at all. You’re probably just a 50 year old dude who is going to try to text me pictures from the Abercrombie catalog. “This is me playing football with my friends!”. No, not it’s not.
MEN OF THE INTERNET: If you send me messages that consist only of: “Hey!”, I am not going to respond. I am never, ever going to respond, even if you send the same message eleven times.
Okay, so, in reference to our “match”, I was thumbing through profiles one night, and it turned out that the button that I thought was to say “not interested” was actually the “hey, I think you’re sexy” button. AWKWARD. So, I accidentally liked about 50ish men of the similar caliber of the man above. SO AWKWARD. I didn’t even have the heart to respond to this elitist mind…. Instead, I breathe softly into the night air, & my chest hurts with every breath I take. **slowly strums guitar in the middle of a field while wearing a cowboy hat**
And last, but certainly not least, I present to you Jarod, who I actually thought was pretty attractive and engaging. If he had asked me out, I totally would have said yes, I even gave him my number and we started texting! And then he started trying to describe my lips to me, and that’s when I abruptly stopped responding to Jarod’s texts…
BRB guys, gonna go add “plush leather pillow lips” to my list of assets on my resume. I’ve always longed to have some part of my anatomy compared to dead cow skin. THANKS JAROD.