I’ve shared living quarters with an eclectic assortment of individuals over the last few years. And by eclectic, I, of course, mean a sampling of upper middle class, female college students. In any case, I feel as though I’ve learned valuable lessons in that time, and will now impart my wisdom upon you.
1. Don’t be an uptight bitch
Pleeaaaaaaase don’t be an uptight bitch. Sometimes I’m going to lose my keys and need you to let me into the apartment at 4 am. I’m sorry about that, I really am. But sometime you’re going to need my help jumping your car at 6 AM, so don’t be a bitch about it and I won’t be either.
Sometimes, if I’m very lucky, I’m going to have loud sex with a guy that I’m completely crazy about, and it’s going to be annoying. Some day you might get lucky too, and I’ll just shake my head and plug in my headphones. KARMA.
Sometimes I’m going to come home completely exhausted and sad, and I’m going to leave my stuff everywhere and make a disaster of the kitchen. I’m going to clean it up, but I’m too sad right now, give me 8 hours. In 8 hours I’ll Clorox the countertops and load the dishes and it will be like it never happened.
Sometimes I’m going to eat your food. Sometimes you’re going to eat mine. That’s okay. However, if you eat, like, ALL OF IT, I’m probably going to hope that you replace it within a few days/weeks.
2. Put up your goddamn dishes
I know, I know, this is an obvious one. But really. You need to put up your goddamn dishes. Yes, I do realize that many college living situations are less than ideal, and they often do not have a dishwasher, it sucks. PUT UP YOUR DISHES ANYWAYS. If you don’t, eventually I will (um, hello, cockroaches and stuff), and I will think about how much I want to punch you in your smug little face every second I rinse your bowls with putrid cereal remnants. I swear to god, this is the single most annoying thing you can possibly do to me. Put up your dishes. You can do this. I believe in you.
3. Introduce me to your frickin’ friends
I’ve had plenty of roommates that I didn’t really consider friends, but had a completely functional roommate relationship with. If you invite people over, fine, the more the merrier, but you need to introduce me to your friends if they’re going to be spending an extended amount of time in our residence. You don’t need to invite me to the bar with you or ask me to join your study group, just don’t make it weird and make an effort to have your friends become partially mine as well. I want this mostly because I don’t want to feel awkward and uncomfortable when they come in and I’m in my pajamas and nursing a bottle of wine on the couch while Netflixing my youth away. (#darkplace)
4. Your boyfriend needs to leave our domicile occasionally
Look, I’m happy that you’ve found someone. This is me being happy for you. Yayyyyy, so much happiness. But your boyfriend cannot be here all the time. He does not pay rent. He does not pay our electricity bill. He should never ever, ever, be here when you are not. Especially if I’ve expressed to you that I don’t like him. Be considerate, go to his place occasionally. Make out at Starbucks. Make out on the campus lawn. Make out in a movie theatre. Inflict yourselves on other people occasionally, I can only take so much.
5. Don’t barge into my goddamn bedroom
In general, if your roommate closes their bedroom door, I’ve taken it to be code that they really have no desire to talk to anyone or anything. But if it’s, like, SUPER IMPORTANT, you better goddamn knock on the door. Lord only knows what I’m doing behind that closed door. I’m probably just brooding over my computer screen, but I might be lying naked on the floor while staring at the ceiling fan or stabbing my ex’s voodoo doll. If you witness either of the latter, we’re going to have trouble making eye contact for several days and weirdness will ensue. Trust me. Just knock.
6. If you use the ice trays, REFILL THEM, GODDAMMIT!
But really, what kind of barbarian doesn’t refill the ice trays? Were you raised by wolves? No? REFILL THE GODDAMN ICE TRAYS.