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A Letter To The Scared Guy Dating The Single Mom

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Shutterstock / oneinchpunch
Shutterstock / oneinchpunch

Whether you’re actually dating this guy, or just waiting for him to stop being a scaredy cat, here you go. I’ll say everything you can’t. You’re welcome.

Dear Guy,

I am in my early twenties. I am single and I have one child (under age 5). So yeah, I’m a “single mom.” But I freaking hate that term. I hate the stereotype that comes along with it. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t want people to feel bad for me or my child. It’s just been me and him for the last two years. You knew all this going in to our “relationship”, if you want to call it that. None of that has ever been a secret. I have done my best to be open and honest with you from the get-go. You know that I’ve dated here and there, but nothing too serious. The last real boyfriend I had was my child’s dad.

But you are one that I want to be serious with. I am ready for you. I am ready to love again. And to be loved in return. I want someone to share my life with. I don’t NEED you, but I WANT you. I am fine just by myself. In my opinion, it is better to be wanted than needed. I am a good person. I have a good job. I live on my own – just me and my child. We do not struggle in any way. I pay for everything on my own. That makes me proud of myself. I work hard to get the things we want and need so that we can live comfortably and I can give my kid the best life possible.

All that being said, I feel like maybe you are intimidated by me. Am I crazy? That’s about the only thing I can think of to explain this situation. I guess I can kinda understand that it is intimidating. I have a nice car, a house payment, a good job, a child, etc. You know all these things, so maybe you think that I don’t need you because I can take care of myself. Maybe you worry that you can’t contribute; that you don’t have anything to offer me. Well, yes, I sure can take care of myself and my child, but hey – I never said you couldn’t help me out. Is a needy, dependent girl that attractive?

I have bills and money is usually tight, but I make it work. No, it’s not all about money though. I am not after you for your money. I can do it by myself, if I haven’t already made that point clear. I am needy, per se, but in a different way than financially. Deep down, all these things are wants, but they are true wants and they are things that I swear I won’t take for granted. These are the things that I can’t do myself and that I need you to help me with. These need/wants include (but are not limited to):

You to hug and kiss me when I walk through the door and ask me how my day was and in turn, I would like to be able to do the same for you.

A father for my child. (Yes, my child does have a father, but he only sees our child a few days out of the month, so I feel like that doesn’t really provide the structure and stability that my child needs. You are not stepping on my child’s father’s toes by being in my child’s life. I’m sure he has prepared himself for another man to be in my child’s life, just as I have prepared myself for another woman to be in my child’s life.) I would like you to help me raise my child.

I can do it on my own. I have this far, but there are things that a child needs a father figure to teach them. It’s not the same when I do it. Disciplining my child is something that I do need help with. My child doesn’t always listen to me and it’s frustrating because I know they get away with it other places. But I need my child to respect me and listen to me. If I had you to reinforce what I was saying, I feel that we’d all benefit.

A family. In this instance, I am defining family as two parents and the child(ren). I want a man that will treat me right and show my child how a wife is supposed to be treated. I want to teach my child what a healthy relationship is because I want the same for my child. That and because I partially don’t know what a healthy loving relationship is like. My parents are divorced and they’ve remarried, but their relationships aren’t all that great. I want my child to grow up in a home where both parents love and respect each other. I want my child to want to have a love like ours.

A best friend. Yes, I’ve got my girls, but it’s not the same. I want someone that knows me better than I know myself. Someone that knows something is up just by looking at me. Someone to share all of my secrets with. Someone to cuddle with on the couch – and in bed, of course. Someone who knows all of my quirks and flaws, but still loves me just the same. Someone that I can make memories with. Someone that I can be myself around. Someone to support me emotionally and mentally. Someone to comfort me when a bad day slips in. Someone to grow old with.

SEX! Yes, of course, I want it to mean something, but at this point, by golly I’d settle for a piece of ass. A girl needs a good romp in the hay every once in a while. But you’ll have to forgive me because I’m back to the Rookie stage at this point. I’d like you to help me out of that stage.

I know you are nearby, if you’d just give us a chance. I know it’s scary for you, but guess what? It’s just as scary for me! From your point of view, I get that it’s not just one person, one heart; it’s two (or three or four or five, depending on how many kids the woman has). You’d be taking on my stubborn self and my cute little innocent child who doesn’t even know that they need you yet. I know that it is a lot to take on.

I know that you will play a huge role in my child’s life. And I know that is scary. But I can promise you it will all be worth it. I promise to make you feel valued and loved. My child does come first, but I swear to you that I will try my damnedest to be what you deserve and what you need me to be. I am not here to break your heart. I am not here to play games. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I have chosen you at this point in my life, but I can only wait so long. Every day that you wait, is another day closer to someone else coming along. In the end, you only regret the chances you didn’t take, the relationships you were too afraid to have, and the decisions you waited too long to make. Don’t let this be you. Don’t let me be “the one that got away.” TC mark

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This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

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