So how is it that you are gone, fulfilling your lifelong dreams and I am sitting here, wondering why I’m not a part of those dreams?
You told me early on, “I’m not ready for a big commitment.” I believed you, but I also mistakenly thought you would change your mind once you got a taste of how sweet love could be with me. Just you wait, I thought, I’ll have you wrapped around my finger in no time.
But I never did wrap you around my finger. In fact, I’d say it was the other way around.
I did everything I could to prove my worth to you. I loved you with everything inside of me. I loved you so hard, sometimes I thought my chest was going to crack open with the pressure you put on my heart. And you gave me smiles and cuddles and kisses in return.
I told myself that was enough, that you would reciprocate the affection when you were ready. I thought that if I filled you up with my love, eventually your empty cup would overflow, and your love would come spilling back to me.
It’s too bad that the person who cares less in the relationship has the control. As the person who cared more, I was willing to do whatever it took to maintain stability and happiness between us. You, the one who cared less, simply shrugged, unimpressed with my tireless efforts to give you what you wanted, and said, “Meh.” Hardheaded as I am, this only made me want to fight for us harder.
You, on the other hand, didn’t even try. You let me do all the work for you. And when what I gave wasn’t enough, you threw up your hands in surrender, like there was nothing left in you.
But let me tell you something: You don’t know what it’s like to have nothing left in you. You have never had your heart broken into pieces so small they float away with the wind. Sure, you apologized for hurting me, but you didn’t really know what you’re saying; you just wanted me to stop crying and say, “It’s OK.” But it’s not OK.
From you, I have learned that I am so much more than what you didn’t feel for me. I am worth all the love I gave to you and more. I deserve the world and I will get it from someone with a bigger heart than yours.
From you, I learned that I have to set limits on how much I give because takers like you will not.
From you, I learned it is not my fault that you don’t know how to love; it’s yours. You have to want it, to need it, and you didn’t. Not even close.
What, exactly, did you learn from me?