I’ll be honest. I thought I was done writing about you. I thought that the sound of your name wouldn’t make me lose my breath and go light-headed.
I thought that after all this time, after a decade, I would just be able to forget you. Because that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? Someone is your everything, and then they are your nothing.
And the world keeps moving.
But what no one ever tells you is that no matter how your heart aches, no matter how many times you have told yourself that when it’s over, it’s over, some people you just can’t quit.
I won’t say that it happens all that often. I think that some hearts are intertwined for days or weeks or months or years. I think that the world implores you to be strong, to move on, to not wait for something, or in this case, someone that might never come through or show up.
To set things free, and if they come back, then I guess you’re one of the lucky ones. The exceptions to the rule.
What I’m really trying to say is that I don’t think it’s that easy. I think it’s natural to outgrow, to forgive, to forget.
But what happens when you know that deep down, you can’t? That it’s not what you want?
That it never really feels right, and everything kind of feels heavy, especially your heart?
What I’ll leave you with is this:
I have tried my hardest to pretend like you don’t always stay with me. I have tried to lie to myself for years that I don’t look for you in everyone else.
I don’t want to lie anymore.
What I want to say, what I’ve been trying to say for so, so long, is that it’s always going to be you.
No matter how much time passes, no matter how many people come after you, no matter how many times I tell myself that it’s really over, for me, for my heart, it isn’t.
When you have loved someone unconditionally for as long as I have you, it doesn’t really end. The ache just dulls after a while.
I don’t know what happens now, where I go from here.
All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I’m being honest and true to myself.
And to me, that has to be enough.