Let’s get one thing straight: People are different. People change and go through things. And sometimes, we need someone to stand beside us and make sure that we don’t fail or fall.
But sometimes, there are moments that we need to learn how to stand on our own two feet. And you and me, that was no different.
I want you to understand that it was nothing you said or did. You didn’t need to be better. I knew what I wanted when I met you, and then all of a sudden, I didn’t.
My only concern was not dragging you down with me. Don’t get me wrong. I meant everything I said to you. And I really did want you. There are times when I still do.
But you pressuring me into something that was big and full, it was a little more than I could handle. It was a little too much and way too fast.
Because the truth is, when it comes down to it, I need to focus on myself.
I have problems to solve. I have bridges that I wish hadn’t burned. I have heartache and goodbyes. But instead of dwelling on that, I am trying to find myself again.
You can’t be capable of loving someone if you don’t love yourself. And maybe it was my mistake to think that you’d understand that. But in the end, you couldn’t make sense of the fact that you weren’t the person I needed the most.
I needed myself.
And there’s nothing that you could have said or done to change my mind. And yes, I am sorry if that hurt you.
It was never my intention to leave you in the dark. But I also know that deep down, I would have only resented you for forcing me to be ready for something that just wasn’t meant to be.
Sure, it might sound selfish and cruel from the outside looking in. And maybe it is.
But I am healing from things that I never should have gone through. And try as you might, you can’t change that. And you also can’t change the way that you understood me.
At face value, you might have thought that you figured me out. But you have no idea. And I can’t teach you to learn me better. I couldn’t teach you to understand my heart.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to let you in, I just knew that for whatever reason, the timing was all off. And I could have stayed and fought, but at the first sign of trouble you already had one foot out the door.
You were just searching for answers and explanations to questions that you never asked. That you didn’t have the strength to ask.
I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t need to draw you a map of my pain. Of the moments and memories that you weren’t there for. In reality, there was a reason you weren’t.
It really is true what they say. That time makes wounds seem smaller and smaller, and one day, I know that I won’t even be able to feel them.
But that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
And as much as you cared about me, I needed to care about me more.
I hope that you find some way to make peace with that someday.