I know that whatever we had was real. I know that whatever happened between us was good for a while. We were together at a time when it was good for both of us. It was honest and it was something.
But then, without really noticing anything at all, we were worse than we were before.
And I didn’t know what I know now. I was unsure of my footing, unsure of myself and where I wanted to be.
And for a little bit, I held onto my life with you rather than moving on to the one without you. Missing you came in waves and I crashed into them, hoping that somehow or someway you would come back to me. Everything would pick up were it left off.
That’s what I wanted for so long.
Until it wasn’t.
Because there was one really important thing I forgot to remind myself of time and time again: That I was still me. And sure, you changed me for a little while, for better and for worse. But I was so focused on loving you, on being there, on creating a world for us to exist in, that I completely gave up on finding myself.
My heart just lost all of this courage that I’ve spent years building and perfecting so that when this did happen, I would be strong enough to overcome it.
That’s a dangerous thing, loving someone more than you are capable of loving yourself. That’s not really love at all. That’s only half of what you could be.
Being with someone doesn’t mean that they have to be complete you or finish your puzzle. You need to be able to do that on your own, in whatever ways you can and however that means to you.
So yeah, I miss you. And sometimes my mind takes me backwards and I think of all the memories we had, all those moments when I felt myself falling and could feel your arms wrapped around me, knowing that you were catching me.
And you were whole and good until we weren’t. And I have had to learn the hard way that moving on doesn’t mean that you gave up. It means that you have something new and bright to look forward too.
And as much as I hate to say it, losing you gave that to me.
You breaking my heart and walking away didn’t leave me shattered, it let me feel and think and imagine all the things I could be without having to make sure you were beside me.
I find comfort in that and in the ways that you changed without even thinking twice about it.
And while I’m still figuring it out, I have no doubt that I’m exactly where I need to be.