I know that sometimes, goodbye only means see you. It doesn’t mean forever. It means that in another time or maybe another life something would be different. But sometimes, goodbye takes a little longer than expected.
And that’s what happened with us or you or both.
You were a huge part of my life. It was like we were a unit. We were together even when we weren’t. And for some reason, I thought that it would stay like that. And that we could be the same people together.
Even though the world was pulling us in different directions, I thought that we would hold onto to all the good.
Because in the end, it was supposed to be us.
Being with you and you being a part of my heart was supposed to mean never learning how hard goodbye could be.
But then it all changed. It all came crashing down and I was on the losing end. Or maybe we both lost. I don’t really know at this point.
But what I do know is that I never knew that goodbye would take this long. It’s different than getting over you, because we broke each other’s hearts. It wasn’t just you and it wasn’t just me.
We kind of just fell apart over time. It was so slow that sometimes it felt like it wasn’t really over to begin with.
Because my heart was still holding onto you. And my mind was still wrapped around the memories. Everything we had and everything we were planning.
That’s what drew it out. The stopping and starting and the coming and the going.
For a really long time, I thought that somehow, someway, we would find our way back. Of course I never asked you if you felt lost but I know I did.
Maybe it was the uncertainty of it all. Maybe it was because with you, I never had to wonder if you cared or not. I never had to wonder if you were playing pretend.
It was like every other person was just a stand in for you. A placeholder until we could figure the rest of it out.
I’m not saying that I’ll never learn how to ever say hello to you again because I will.
But I do know that it was much easier to keep pretending like everything was fine than it was to finally admit that all of it was over and over in a big way.
I just want you to know that nothing has been harder than learning just how long goodbye can take.