I Was Saving You But You Were Only Killing Me

Becca Tapert / Unsplash

When I first met you, something inside of me sped up. I don’t know how to describe it really. It was like, finally, it all made much more sense.

It was almost like I had been waiting for you without even knowing it. Like you were meant to come into my life and flip it upside down in all the best ways.

At least, that’s what I thought.

But sometimes, even when you listen to your gut, you’re wrong. And you were no different. You weren’t right. You and me, we weren’t even close to being right.

I fell for you anyway.

I fell for you so fast that I couldn’t stop myself. All my walls came down. All the things that used to scare me, all of that vanished. And you started to consume me.

Slowly but surely, you were taking everything. And I, like a fool, let you.

At the time, I thought that it was going to work out. I really did. And I fought for you. I made excuses for you all the time. The smallest things, the tiny acts of kindness, I thought it was because you cared.

All the while, I was only there to save you. My intentions were good and my heart was in a good place. I thought that if I gave you what you needed, it would all come full circle.

That you would finally believe I was only there to make things better. Not just for us, but for you.

But I want you to know something.

I’m proud of myself for walking away. For telling you that this was the last time and meaning it.

I’ve never been the kind of person to let someone hurt me and come crawling back for more. But for you, I did. Because I thought that if I just held on long enough, you would change.

And you would care in the same ways that I did.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to that first night and walk away rather than following you blindly. I wanted you to be more than a lesson.

Another mistake. Another letdown. But that’s all you were. Just another disappointment to add to the list.

I want to say that I wish you the best, but I’m not sure someone like you will ever really find what it is you’re looking for.

I can’t change what happened but I can make sure that I won’t ever let it happen again.

If anything, you taught me that as much as we search for the good in people, sometimes there’s nothing to find.

You did that. And as much as I can trying to find reasons and explanations, it is what it is.

I’ll get over it. I’ll start loving myself again. In the ways that I thought you would.

But most importantly, I know that you are as good as gone. And I’ll hold onto that. TC mark

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