My Only Mistake Was Thinking You Would Catch Me When I Fell

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Taylor Ann Wright / Unsplash

When we first met, I knew that there was something about you that was different. Something that would change me in more ways than one. 

I could never put my finger on it. Maybe it was the way you said my name. Maybe it was the way that I smiled when our eyes met. Maybe it was the way that even when I tried to not think about you, you would come to me in daydreams.

Let’s get one thing clear. I never had any intention of falling in love with you. But you made that really, really hard. 

Because you knew. From the first night, you knew that my heart was yours. You were holding it in your hands. And I guess for me to think that you would be careful with it, that you would treat it with respect, that it mattered to you, I guess that was only wishful thinking.

That was me wanting it to be you. That was me trying so hard to be the kind of girl that guys like you fell in love with. But I would never be that girl for you. And maybe no one ever can be. Maybe, you’ve been broken too many times. Maybe, I came a little too late. I can blame it on timing, or fate. I can blame it on a lot of things but when it comes down to it, I have to admit to myself the truth.

You never thought about me at all. You only wanted me to think that I could trust you.

You watched me fall time and time again and did nothing about it. I fell flat on my face chasing you and for a really long time, I thought that if I kept running, you would slow down. 

I know that I was wrong now. I know that I wasted my time and energy on someone that would never come when I called. Never be there when I needed them the most.

You did that. 

You took everything I was trying so hard to give to you, like love, like attention, like affection, and walked away.

I won’t say that I hate you because that would take too much effort. But what I will say is that you were very good at wasting my time. I guess I was so worried about pleasing you, about trying to make you want me, I forgot one very important thing. 

I never deserved the half love you gave to me. I deserve much, much more than that. I deserve someone that’s going to show up and be there, not someone who just plays me and pulls at my heartstrings simply because he can.

That’s what you did. And for that, I want you to know that I never meant to care so much, but I am no longer ashamed that I did. I’m only sorry that it was you, and not someone who was just waiting to catch me when I finally did fall. TC mark

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