I Wanted To Be More Than Your ‘Right Now’

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Valeria andersson / Unsplash

I know that timing is hard. I know that it’s hard sometimes to be on the same page as someone else. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

No one is a mind reader. If we never say how we feel, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

I know this after years of trying and failing. But I also know just how much I am willing to give someone before I finally give up.

That’s what I did with you. 

I let my guard so far down because I wanted you to be better. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to understand that the way I feel about you, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much, that fast. I cared for you so deeply that I forgot.

I forgot that you can’t change someone if they don’t want to change. And you can’t keep someone when they are already looking for excuses or a way out.

But I want you to know something that I never had the courage to tell you before. 

I wanted to more than just convenient for you. And even though I might have gone about it in all the wrong ways, you had to know how I felt about you. It was in the way that I held you.

In the way that my eyes got brighter when you walked in. It was the way I smiled when you told a joke.

And it was in the way that no matter what you did or said, I still saw the good in you. Regardless of what you did or how you were. I stood up for the person that I thought you would maybe, one day, be for me.

It’s not like I had everything mapped out. And I’m not saying that it would have been easy. But at least I had enough strength to try and figure it out. And I wanted to figure it out with you. Not just standing beside you, but with you.

But that’s all over now. And believe me when I say that I don’t hate you. I could never hate you even though it would be easier on my heart to walk away and never think of you again.

Love doesn’t work that way.

It’s not just a switch that you can turn on and off. At least I can’t. And maybe you can’t either but you’re just a better pretender than I’ll ever be.

I want you to know that after all this time, after everything that I gave to you, I only thought that you would give me a little more back. I wasn’t expecting it to all fall into place, but I was hoping that you would catch me when I fell. 

Whatever happens next, whatever ways you come in and out of my life, I just want you to remember that for me, it was always you. 

There was never a doubt in my mind. I’m sorry you didn’t feel the same way. I’m sorry I wasted so much time begging you to love me back. 

But mostly, I’m sorry that I ever thought you would be gentle with my heart. TC mark

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