I know that timing is hard. I know that it’s hard sometimes to be on the same page as someone else. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
No one is a mind reader. If we never say how we feel, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
I know this after years of trying and failing. But I also know just how much I am willing to give someone before I finally give up.
That’s what I did with you.
I let my guard so far down because I wanted you to be better. I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to understand that the way I feel about you, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much, that fast. I cared for you so deeply that I forgot.
I forgot that you can’t change someone if they don’t want to change. And you can’t keep someone when they are already looking for excuses or a way out.
But I want you to know something that I never had the courage to tell you before.
I wanted to more than just convenient for you. And even though I might have gone about it in all the wrong ways, you had to know how I felt about you. It was in the way that I held you.
In the way that my eyes got brighter when you walked in. It was the way I smiled when you told a joke.
And it was in the way that no matter what you did or said, I still saw the good in you. Regardless of what you did or how you were. I stood up for the person that I thought you would maybe, one day, be for me.
It’s not like I had everything mapped out. And I’m not saying that it would have been easy. But at least I had enough strength to try and figure it out. And I wanted to figure it out with you. Not just standing beside you, but with you.
But that’s all over now. And believe me when I say that I don’t hate you. I could never hate you even though it would be easier on my heart to walk away and never think of you again.
Love doesn’t work that way.
It’s not just a switch that you can turn on and off. At least I can’t. And maybe you can’t either but you’re just a better pretender than I’ll ever be.
I want you to know that after all this time, after everything that I gave to you, I only thought that you would give me a little more back. I wasn’t expecting it to all fall into place, but I was hoping that you would catch me when I fell.
Whatever happens next, whatever ways you come in and out of my life, I just want you to remember that for me, it was always you.
There was never a doubt in my mind. I’m sorry you didn’t feel the same way. I’m sorry I wasted so much time begging you to love me back.
But mostly, I’m sorry that I ever thought you would be gentle with my heart.