10 Energy Drinks That Don’t Exist, But Should

Flickr / Guudmorning!
Flickr / Guudmorning!

1. Rehab

Wanna party harder than those who drink Rockstar?! Try Rehab. Loaded with caffeine, tea leaves & and a daily Zen message near the nutrition information. Plus, Pat Monahan (Train) and Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) are considered “rock stars,” and do you really want to be like them?

2. Crimson Calf

The prequel to Red Bull! This 4 oz. energy shot is geared exclusively towards adolescents. Mix Crimson Calf with some raging hormones and 2015 egoism and you’ve got prepubescents around the country dry humping faster, harder, and smarter.

3. Roth IRA

Finally an energy drink from Van Halen’s original frontman who once asked, “Is it possible to insure my dick?” The professional title of this drink will go over especially well with corporate executives. The IRA stands for Insane Relentless Alertness. A high kick for your heartbeat!

4. The Little Blue Chill

Our friends at Viagra decided to get in on the mix and introduce the next best thing since, well…Viagra. This little blast of blue will widen the blood vessels to your mind. Side effects include dizziness, vomiting, constipation, and possible stroke. Combine it with the little blue pill and you might have the time of your life.

5. Zuckerbuzz

Want to be a billionaire and wear a hoodie? Start with Zuckerbuzz, the first energy drink from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Z-Buzz has the ability to keep you up all night with the energy to perhaps develop the next Facebook…or Friendster.

6. Surge Night

Wanna stay awake AND put fear into the hip-hop world? This wildly popular energy drink will starts feuds with people you didn’t even know existed. In the business world, you have to work hard to beat the competition. SN will help get you there. Consider all your rivals on death row.

7. Energenius

Marketed specifically to the Ivy League schools, this potent energy shot is a healthy dose of B vitamins, taurine, and a hint of adderall. Studying for that big final and need to focus? Energenius will keep you locked and loaded…you’ll be the only guy at the rager who is hunched over his laptop learning the finer points of supply and demand. Chicks dig focus — you’re welcome.

8. 300 Minutes of Mayhem

5 Hour Energy has met its match. 300 Minutes of Mayhem mirrors 5 Hour’s combination of nutrients and caffeine, but is only sold at Speedway. Mayhem is also the only energy shot endorsed by hair metal gods Mötley Crüe. Want to crash a car, kill a friend, overdose, make a sex tape, AND be admired? Mayhem is your answer. Try it with a piece of Speedway pizza so you get your carbs in too.

9. Angry Pumpkin

Just in time to cash in on the pumpkin craze that 18- to 34-year-old women seem to drool over, Starbucks shows it’s mean streak with a 6-ounce shot of the best-smelling energy drink out there. Picture it now…sitting near the fireplace, wearing your favorite oversized hoodie, and actually having the patience and focus to listen and process whatever your girlfriend is saying.

10. Busey

It’s Busey’s world and we’re all just living in it. Still waiting approval by the FDA. Probably won’t happen. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog