You know, I’ve never seen a sunrise.
I got cocky with that fifth sheet of toilet paper, didn’t I.
Water is so stupid.
I should have gone to grad school.
I’m actually not in the best place emotionally to handle this right now.
I’ve been saying it for years: Just make the fucking pipes bigger.
I should call my parents more.
Why am I being punished for maintaining a fiber-rich diet?
You know I’m actually doing these people a favor by highlighting a pretty severe plumbing issue.
I’m pretty sure I can slip out of this apartment without anyone seeing.
Huh. This is actually strangely beautiful.
I should have done a half-time flush. The environment can handle it.
Let’s see, what around here can I use to fashion a makeshift plunger, Apollo 13 style.
This is totally a metaphor for mounting student debt.
This is totally a metaphor for our country’s increasing political tensions.
This is totally a metaphor for the dangers of laissez-faire capitalism.
How can I pin this on someone else?
I shouldn’t have worn sandals.
I’m not a praying man, but …
I thought there was supposed to be a drought!
All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.
At least this isn’t one of those carpeted bathrooms.
There is nothing wrong with my eating habits I say. Nothing!
How absorbent are these decorative hand towels?
How absorbent is that shower curtain?
How absorbent is this box of cold medicine?
You never think it will happen to you … twice in one day.
Have I lived a good life?
Now everyone will know that I poop.
My horoscope did say that today I would be truly tested.
Maybe I should flush again.
I shouldn’t have done that.
Maybe a third flush will reset everything?
DAMMIT, THAT WAS SO STUPID!
Maybe a fourth flush …
Well, this date is ruined.
Well, this potluck is ruined.
Well, this home birth is ruined.
Go back to the shadows!
Oh my god did that actually work?