5 Online Dating Services We Need

We have tons of websites and apps to help us find love, sex, and every conceivable hybrid of the two. But why are so many people still so lonely? I submit that we aren’t matching people the right way. It’s important to know if someone wants a family, but isn’t it equally crucial to know if someone says things like “totes” and “OMG” out loud? Here are five dating sites that would help people find lovers who are compatible in practical, functional ways.

HaventSeenIt.com

Haven’t Seen It matches you with a partner on the most important dimension of compatibility: What tv shows haven’t you seen? Instead of connecting people over trivial matters like religious beliefs and desire to have children, Haven’t Seen It hooks you up with someone with the same cultural gaps, schedule, access to an HBOGo account, and snack preference as you. You’ll never have to deal with your new partner saying things like: “I can’t believe you don’t watch Breaking Bad,” because he or she also does not watch Breaking Bad. Whether you’re looking for a short-term commitment with someone who hasn’t seen the British Office or a long-haul relationship with someone who hasn’t seen The Wire, HaventSeenIt.com will find your ideal mate. There’s also the option for a one-off movie date to see how you two get along. If you haven’t tried Haven’t Seen It, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Blindr

Everyone has that codependent friend who is always in a relationship. Sometimes they find wonderful, amazing, compatible partners. Other times it seems like they’ll settle for anyone, regardless of their obvious debilitating flaws. So what if he punches a hole in the wall whenever the Steelers lose? Who cares that she is openly racist around your family? It’s better than being alone, right? If that’s your attitude, Blindr is just what you need to go from alone and unhappy to coupled and unhappy. Blindr is an app that connects you to other people in your area who want to get into a relationship right now in spite of another person’s glaring inadequacies and red flags. If you want to skip to the sweatpants and takeout phase of a relationship tonight, and you don’t care who you’re shacked up with, put your Blindr on.

DontYouJustHateWhen.com

It’s easy to find someone with the same interests as you. Everyone likes a good sense of humor. That’s practically a prerequisite for being a human. But what do you hate? Not, like, genocide. That’s the “I love to travel” of things to dislike. It’s universal. What are the little things that get under your skin? DontYouJustHateWhen.com pairs you up with someone who has the same stupid, picky pet peeves as you. Don’t you just hate when people chew ice? Doesn’t it drive you crazy when people wear leggings as pants? Isn’t it the worst when people text while walking across the street? Wouldn’t it be nice to meet someone who doesn’t display any of your arbitrary dealbreakers right off the bat? There’s someone out there filled with the same irrational rage as you. Don’t you just hate how hard it is to find them?

TheRightGuys.com

This dating site connects closeted gay right wing politicians and evangelists with each other. No more foot-tapping in airport bathrooms or nervously trolling Grindr for hookups. When you’re a conservative politician from Texas getting freaky with a fundamentalist pastor from Oklahoma, neither of you is going to spill the beans of you’re both in big trouble. It’s like a sexy Mexican standoff. Membership to TheRightGuys.com costs $1,000 dollars a month, and it shows up on your credit card as a donation to the fictitious charity Guns For Jesus.

aHarmony.com

Lots of dating sites match you based on religion. There are even atheist dating websites. But aHarmony.com helps you find love based on specific atheism compatibility questions to make sure you’re the same kind of nonbeliever.

Examples:

If your atheism a rebellion against your religious upbringing?

Are you the kind of person who finds joy and meaning in natural science, or are you a turtleneck-wearing cynic?

How far do you roll your eyes when people mention they are religious? Not at all? Thirty degrees? A full ninety degrees?

How long does it take for you to bring up your atheism in an average conversation?

Are you comforted or terrified by the thought that when you die, that’s it forever?

Do you go berserk when people say “God bless you!” when you sneeze?

aHarmony.com: Because this is it! TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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