At this point, all that’s left to hate LeBron James for is that he’s not Michael Jordan, but that’s like hating a cake for not being a pie. King James played a huge Game 7 and pushed the Heat to a second straight NBA Championship. He’s there, doing all the things we’ve ever wanted him to do. Scoring points. Rebounding. Getting teammates involved when he should and taking over games when he must. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? cries his Finals performance. LeBron’s game is Round Earth, and to hate him is to insist that the planet is flat.
You can still hate the Heat if you want. Loathe the Miami fans if you still must. Look down your nose at Chris “Birdman” Andersen’s Mohawk. But if you’re still hating LBJ, that’s on you. You’re a hater, pure and simple. If you are holding onto your LeBron hate on June 21, 2013, you need a new outlet for that animosity. Here are a few you might enjoy:
Start collecting vinyl. Complain to everyone how no music format will ever compare. Ignore the merits of digitally encoded files. Decry them loudly and in public. Be that guy. You’ll stay annoying to be around but with a slightly more relevant cause. If that isn’t enough, pick a popular band and talk to anyone who will listen about how their old stuff was way better and more “raw.”
Fire a BB gun at the moon six times every night while screaming “Yippeekiyay!” This new endeavor will be just as successful as your spiteful LeBron-bashing.
Develop a conspiracy theory that the Heat are trying to replace the original Chris Bosh with a new one cloned from DNA that Pat Riley found inside of a mosquito encased in amber.
Watch Scarface and cheer for the government agents. It’s an easy victory you can win over someone from South Florida.
Ponder an age-old paradox. I submit:
Can God make a rock so heavy even He can’t lift it?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
If your hairline is receding under your headband, does anyone see it?
Practice your alley-oop dunks. Oh, you can’t dunk? Hmmm. I believe there’s an expression about glass houses and stones that applies here.
Do some soul-searching and realize that maybe it’s better for your psychic wellbeing to celebrate someone great instead of tearing him down for every little flaw.
Look, I used to be just like you. But the past two seasons, LeBron has taken his game to another dimension. He still makes mistakes, like anyone who is human (or slightly better than a human), but the blanket hate has got to stop. He’s not perfect, but neither was Jordan. Neither is Kevin Durant. Or Superman. Or Harry Potter. Anyone still mad at LeBron for the Decision or his previous Finals losses has to let it go. Railing on about those things now is like standing on the beach complaining that high tide “tries to do too much” and low tide “defers to the shore at big moments.”
For now, let’s wait until he shows some kind of weakness for more than sixty minutes before we decide that he no longer “has what it takes” and isn’t a “champion.” Basketball fans should admit LeBron’s greatness and move on to something that really matters.
Like hating Dwight Howard.