Extreme Pickup Artistry

Pickup artists can teach you a lot about how to get sex things done to you. But there are some techniques so extreme the average pickup artists won’t even attempt them. I have. And I’m revealing them to you. For sex reasons.

Wear an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it.

“Are you getting laid tonight?”

“Yes you arrrrgh.”

Speak exclusively in Ol’ Dirty Bastard song lyrics.

“Have you ever had sashimi?”

“Ooo baby I like it raaaaaaw.”

When talking to a woman, make strong eye contact. Don’t break it. Never mind that the conversation has ended. Keep staring straight into her eyes. She’s leaving the bar. Do not follow her. Just stare towards wherever you imagine her eyes to be in the world at any moment. Never make eye contact with anyone else. People will assume you are a successful blind jazz musician and want to have sex with you.

Keep ice packs in your pockets so your hands are always freezing, and you can convince women you are a sexy ghost.

Tell a woman she’s “more of a Franklin.” Then furrow your brow, smirk and say: “No wait…definitely a Bash.” Wink.

Who needs a tub of popcorn? Stick your junk through a quinoa salad. It shows you’re health conscious. IMPORTANT: MAKE SURE SHE DOES NOT TRY TO EAT THE QUINOA SALAD WITH A FORK. WOMEN HATE WHEN MEN CRY AFTER BEING STABBED IN THE JUNK WITH A FORK.

Answer all questions as if you were Ryan Gosling’s character from Drive. (With silent, mournful changes of expression.)

Attend a top tier university. Eschew romance in favor of your studies. Get an engineering degree. Pursue a high paying government job with benefits. Retire young. Use your mechanical expertise to build a robot. Enjoy your golden years having sex with that robot.

Buy a parrot. Teach it to scream the word “CONSENT!” Carry it on your shoulder wherever you go. Train the parrot to squawk “CONSENT!” at women until you wear down one’s defenses like the walls of Jericho. Then, take her to Sextown: Population 2 (or 3 if you’re lucky).

Kidnap a woman’s entire family. Send a flirty ransom note. Remind her not to get police involved. When she complies with your list of demands, return her loved ones to her. Use the money to relocate to a foreign country where women will flock to you on account of your exotic accent.

Through hormone therapy and surgery become a sexy lady. There’s nothing that one sexy lady loves more than another sexy lady. Seduce a woman with your newfound feminine wiles. Once you’ve completed the act of sex, tell her you are really a man. Well, you used to be. But still are in your heart and mind. Oh dear, God. What have you done? What has your life come to? You have become more awesome than you ever imagined. You’re welcome. TC mark

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image – Shutterstock

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