Let’s Get These Celebrity Death Tweets Out Of The Way

If the recent passing of Roger Ebert, Margaret Thatcher, and Annette Funicello has taught us anything, it’s that the internet is full of amateur eulogists. The responses to the death of a celebrity can range from touching remembrance to out and out mockery. There’s no definite algorithm that can predict how people will react, either. Whitney Houston’s premature death prompted a mixture of heartfelt sadness and jokes about Kevin Costner’s failure to protect her. When Hugo Chavez succumbed to cancer, the result was a flurry of divisive political rhetoric.

While some people legitimately grieve through dark humor, others find jokes about the recently deceased to be in poor taste. As the deluge of “Two thumbs down!” tweets after Ebert’s death proves, minds (great or not) tend to think alike. Usually, the quips come in the form of puns or other references to the late luminary’s life’s work. In order to preempt the wave of predictable “too soon” death tweets, I’ve written several of them in advance of several celebrities’ predicted expirations. They’re both “too soon” (because all these people are still alive) and inoffensive (because all these people are still alive). Now that I’ve listed them here, no one else can make them because they are (unfortunately) my intellectual property. I do this all for you. Let’s get these celebrity death tweets out of the way.

(The dates of birth are accurate. Dates of death estimated. Most popular tweet based on my scientific projection of what the most people will likely come up with.)

Amanda Bynes

Actor/Disaster
1986-Soon, Probably…She’s a Walking Cry For Help
Most Popular Tweet: “Looks like Drake murdered the rest of her too.”

Nelson Mandela

Civil Rights Activist/Nobel Prize Winner/President, South Africa
1918-2016
Most Popular Tweet: “Nelson Mandela Aparthdied.”

OJ Simpson

Athlete/Vigilante
1947-2017
Most Popular Tweet: “OJ Simpson tragically passed away without ever finding the real killer.”

Betty White

Actor/Meme
1922-2018
Most Popular Tweet: “Looks like Rose joined the other Golden Girls in heaven. Thank you for being a friend.”

Morgan Freeman

Narrator of Everything
1937-2019
Most Popular Tweet: “It’s going to be awkward when Morgan Freeman makes it to heaven and he’s already there. #voiceofgod”

Jack Nicholson

Actor/Parody of Self
1937-2021
Most Popular Tweet: “Theeeerreee waaaaas Johnny!”
Runner Up: “Jack Nicholson died today. Apparently he couldn’t handle the truth either.”

Eminem

Rapper/Rapper-Actor
1972-2022
Most Popular Tweet: “Looks like Eminem should have gotten more regular checkups with Dr. Dre.”

Stephen King

Author/Red Sox Fan/Maine’s Only Famous Guy
1947-2027
Most Popular Tweet: “Stephen King died, but rumor has it he still roams the woods of Maine, hungry for flesh.”

George W. Bush

United States President/Lightning Rod For Controversy
1946-2028
Most Popular Tweet: “Maybe he’ll find those WMDs in hell.”

Bill Pullman

Actor/Not Bill Paxton
1953-2029
Most Popular Tweet: “RIP Bill Pullman. Thanks for saving us from the aliens.”

Bob Saget

Sitcom Dad/Foulmouth
1956-2030
Most Popular Tweet: “Full Hearse.”

Bruce Willis

Action Star/Notable Bald Guy
1955-2031
Most Popular Tweet: “Bruce Willis finally died hard.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Weight Lifter/Accent-Haver/Politician?
1947-2033
Most Popular Tweet: “He won’t be back.”

Kim Jong-Un

Large Scale Benefactor of Nepotism/Megalomaniac
1983-2034
Most Popular Tweet: “un-Dead.”

Rick Ross

Rapper/Don/Former Prison Guard
1976-2035
Most Popular Tweet: “Rick Ross died… LIKE A CAWRPSE!”

Condoleezza Rice

US Secretary of State/Subject of Numerous Conspiracy Theories
1954-2036
Most Popular Tweet: “Rice, cooked.”

Quentin Tarantino

Filmmaker/Fast Talker
1963-2037
Most Popular Tweet: “Quentin Tarantino is now six feet under. Hopefully two of them are Uma Thurman’s feet.”

Kim Kardashian

Amateur Filmmaker/Professional Butt-Haver

1980-2041
Most Popular Tweet: “Looks like Kim K will be easier to Keep Up With now.”

Conan O’Brien

Gangly Television Host
1963-2050
Most Popular Tweet: “Good thing Jay Leno is already dead, or he’d try to take Conan’s burial plot back.”

Hillary Swank

Actor/Next Karate Kid
1974-2053
Most Popular Tweet: “Hillary Swank died today. Boys, don’t cry.”

Tina Fey

Writer/Actor/Inspiration To Beautiful Talented Women
1970-2056
Most Popular Tweet: “Dead From New York…Tina Fey.”

Glad I knocked those out! Now we can just grieve and mourn as a bunch of humans rather than a cadre of desperate wisecrackers. You’re welcome, humanity! TC mark

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