We’ve all heard the classic arguments against allowing same sex couples to marry:
“Marriage is between one man and one woman!”
“If we let two men marry each other, soon people will be marrying walruses and ottomans!”
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Ellen and Portia!” (Or whatever that one is.)
“Change is scary, and it reminds me of my own mortality!”
With the Supreme Court (or “SCOTUS,” which sounds a little too much like “scrotum” for my liking…gay!) reviewing Proposition 8 and the overall constitutionality of same sex marriage, these standby arguments may not be enough to legally disallow the love and commitment of consenting adults.
In an attempt to perpetuate the centuries-old tradition of marriage as a legally binding heterosexual exchange of property, I have prepared several new arguments against the peaceful and private union of same sex relationships. These are equally as valid as any that have come before. Feel free to use them in order to encourage a culture of fear and intolerance.
Gay People Getting Married Leads To Socialized Medicine!
Look at Massachusetts! In 2004, the state government allowed dude-on-dude matrimony. Five short years later, the Massachusetts government passed a health care mandate for all of its citizens. The government shouldn’t be able to MAKE anyone have health coverage any more than it should be able to FORCE two adults to be allowed to wed one another regardless of gender. Marriage equality leads to socialism. What next? Gun control? Green energy? When will the madness stop? I imagine not until every morning I’m woken up at knifepoint (no guns, remember?) to kiss a man who’s giving me a prostate cancer screening on top of a solar panel. No thanks, OBAMA.
Gay People Will Probably Have More Expensive, Inconvenient Destination Weddings!
We all know that destination weddings are the worst. They’re time-consuming and money-consuming. They’re like family vacations with someone else’s family. Gay couples, with their dual incomes and inabilities to have children by accident, will be more willing than straights to have their weddings in exotic places like The Gayman Islands or Gaysia. (I am also assuming they will deviously change the names of the locales where they get married to further spread the diabolical homo-geographical agenda that probably exists.) Lesbian couples, I’m guessing, will have slightly fewer lavish travel-heavy nuptials, based on their diminished earning potential on account of being two women. Thank goodness for small miracles, at least.
The Saying Is “Opposites Attract,” Not “Things That Are Similar Can Go Together!”
Allowing a woman to marry another woman flies in the face of this axiom. Who are we, as humans, to argue with magnets and batteries and decades of husband/wife sitcom pairings? If peoples’ genitals are not topographically dissimilar, it is a crime against nature. Sure, this is a manmade expression that is often used by people in horribly mismatched people clinging to destructive relationships who are afraid to be alone. But it’s a thing people say! And that has to count for something! I know it doesn’t rhyme like the “Adam and Steve” thing, but bear with me.
Here are several more expressions that same sex marriage violates:
“It’s the notes you don’t play that count.”
By letting anyone marry anyone else, you’re playing “all the notes” of marriage and defying one of the principles of jazz music. Do you really want to upset the jazz gods? I, for one, do not!
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
As we’ve discussed, marriage equality begets health care. But then again, in the bible, apples were bad. So do maybe doctors are metaphors for snakes in this saying? Forget it. I’ll get back to you.
“Here’s a little ditty, about Jack and Diane/Two American kids growing up in the heartland.”
It’s Jack and Diane, not Zack and Tyrone. Ha! That one almost rhymes. Way to go, Mellencamp! You really created a story that we could take out of context years later for political gain.
“Bros before hos.”
Needs no explanation.
Gay People Each Have Half Of An Amulet, And When They Get Married, They Join Those Halves Together With Disastrous Results
Fine. That’s just the plot of the movie Aladdin. I’m kind of stretching here.
I Live A Life Motivated By The Petrifying Inability To Think Critically Or Independently
When people ask you why you oppose the unobtrusive union of people you have never/will never meet, just be honest and say this. No one can argue with the simple truth!