New Philosophies For 2012

The blockbuster success of rapper Drake’s motto, “Y.O.L.O.” (“you only live once”) as a rallying cry for hard-partiers has resulted in a violent uptick in doing shots and getting inadvisable tattoos. Still, other types of young people lack unifying mottos. Without a Y.O.L.O.-esque mantra, it must be difficult for them to express an ethos or a philosophy. Until now. Fortunately I have developed several ideology/ slogan combos for folks who just don’t vibe with the Y.O.L.O. lifestyle.

D.E.M.O.N. – “Don’t Ever Meditate Or Nap”

This maxim is the YOLO’s bad-ass cousin. The one whose parents let it have a dirt bike and bottle rockets. If you’re aware that you only live once, you’ll try to make the most out of every day. But if you never stop partying to sleep, you will be awake all the time, taking it to the limit every moment of your life. Things don’t get any better than bungee jumping all night and skateboarding all day.

You might have to take up hard drugs to fully embrace this philosophy. A little PCP never hurt anyone, though. Oh, wait. It has. It’s hurt lots of wimps who would rather “work in an office all day” than “kick ass on the wings of a screaming falcon.” Take a stand. Grow up. Live the best possible life by resolving to never rest again. You’ll sleep when you’re dead. So probably next week or the week after. D!E!M!O!N!

L.A.C.D.A.L. – “Let’s All Calm Down a Little”

Some people aren’t cut out for a life of hardcore partying. For those people, I propose the philosophy “Let’s All Calm Down a Little “ (L.A.C.D.A.L.). You don’t want to fly too close to the sun. You could end up getting burned. Or stuck in space where there’s no oxygen. Or addicted to the rush of being an astronaut. Just stay away from the sun is my point. It’s huge and super hot and will not hesitate to lay you to waste.

Let’s All Calm Down a Little is about taking it easy sometimes. Stay in and do a Monday crossword on a Friday night. Drink some chamomile tea. File your taxes quarterly. If you only live once, you’d better make sure you get your laundry folded. Because it’s the only chance at laundry you get.

I.A.T.L.P.Y.L. (Pronounced: “ee-uh-til-pil”) – “It’s Always The Last Place You Look”

This philosophy is mostly for when you need to find things. Like your keys. Say you’re ready to go out for a real rager of a night, but you can’t find the keys to your apartment/mom’s basement. You’re freaking out because your ride/bus is right around the corner. Take a deep breath, dude, and remember, It’s Always the Last Place You Look.

While Y.O.L.O. is about seizing the day, I.A.T.L.P.Y.L. has more to do with retracing your steps and asking questions like: “If I were my hat, where would I be?” Think outside the box. Don’t just check countertops coatracks. Look under couch cushions for your misplaced possessions. Hell, look under couches. Don’t give up on your dream of finding that bottle opener you bought in Vegas. That’s how losers think. Keep searching until you have what you want. Ee-uh-til-pil, man.

C.O.M.B.O.V.E.R. – “Come on, Mom! Butt Out! Van (Halen) Effin’ Rocks!”

Don’t you wish your parents would just chill and let you live your life? You’re in your room, cranking out boss jams on your boom box, and your dad starts banging our your bedroom door and telling you to, “Turn down that racket!” It’s the worst.

Who cares if you’re forty-two, and you just got fired from Denny’s again after you and the night manager Barb broke up again? You’re just trying to live your life. Someday you’ll save up enough to buy that bitchin’ motorcycle. Someday, The Antidote, your Poison cover band is gonna really take off.

Butt out, mom and dad. The Big Bird (Yeah, that’s my nickname. Why are you laughing?) is gonna spread his wings and fly. Just you watch. C.O.M.B.O.V.E.R!

R.O.L.O. – “Roy Only Likes Oranges”

This one’s a little specific. If your name is Roy, and you prefer oranges to all other citrus fruits, this is your battle cry. I don’t imagine it would be very useful in most situations. But if it’s your thing, by all means, run with it.

Other micro-mottos include…

H.O.B.O. (“Help Oliver Beat Osteoporosis”)

If you have a friend named Oliver who doesn’t get enough calcium in his diet, remember H.O.B.O. Sit the little fella down with a glass of milk or some almonds. He’ll thank you later (another Drake project).

G.O.G.O. – (“Gertrude’s Office. Get Out.”)

Is your name Gertrude? Are you sick of people just hanging out in your workspace? You don’t have to take it. Just tell those chumps “G.O.G.O.” They’ll get the picture and vamoose.

L.O.G.O.

Not really an acronym, just a reminder to enjoy the fine, LGBT-themed programming on the Logo network. Seriously. There’s a lot of good stuff on there.

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