I’m Starting A Man-Band

The 90s and the 00s saw the rise and fall of boy bands, from the New Kids on the Block to ‘N Sync and their lesser contemporaries O-Town and 5ive. Since then, the culture of boy band worship has ebbed. Justin Timberlake transitioned into a successful solo career and then became an actor. Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees starred on a reality show. Nowadays, people come down with “Bieber Fever” (gross) and the “One Direction Infection” (grosser), but the heyday of four or five guys singing all sexy-like has come and gone.

Most likely, these bands’ audiences aged beyond their attraction to barely-legal young men whose dancing skills and Saved By the Bell personality types are not quite enough to satisfy adult women. As the young women who went wild for “Bye Bye Bye” and “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” matured, they grew less impressed by the “Bad Boy” and the “Sensitive Guy” harmonizing on sensual melodies while maintaining that they were maybe still virgins.

That’s why I’m putting together a Man Band. It’s like a boy band, but for grown men who have real world skills and thoughts and opinions. My band will sing songs about grownup issues and have personalities that adult women are drawn to. If you think you fit one of these stereotypes, get in touch. We’re going to be mega-rich…

The Single Dad

The Single Dad wears flannel shirts and has custody of Caitlith, his one-year-old daughter, every other weekend. He can cook and clean, and his kind, tired eyes convey maturity and compassion. In an age of manchildren, The Single Dad is the rare man who can and will fix your malfunctioning toilet or build you furniture. It’ll just break your heart to see him rock his baby girl to sleep.

The Single Dad should have a classic dad name like Brian or Don (Actually, if Brian Latrell or Donnie Wahlberg are available, let’s talk!) He will appeal to women who are looking to settle down as well as ladies who have tenuous relationships with their own fathers. Women will swoon when they hear him belt out hits like, “Shh, Girl! (The Baby’s Asleep)” and “I Wanna Take You All The Way (to Ikea).”

The Lovable Loser

Imagine the young, fresh-faced guy from your favorite boy band but overmothered and all grown up. He’s still got that big, dopey smile, and he still lives at home. The Lovable Loser is sweet and fun, but he spends kind of a lot of time playing Xbox and smoking pot with his friends. He’s like a young, devastatingly handsome, Seth Rogen character.

The Lovable Loser will be catnip for women who go for guys who are would be perfect if only they didn’t, well, you know… drink so much or work at Gamestop or own so many black light posters. He’ll dazzle audiences by singing the lead on sure-to-be instant classics like, “Sorry I Totally Spaced on Calling You, Babe,” and “Come On Over, Momma Ain’t Home.”

The Nice But Boring Guy

He’s reliable! He works in IT! He’s the Olive Garden of people! The Nice But Boring guy will open your car door for you and treat your mother with the utmost respect. You’ll think he’s marriage material until you realize that spending the rest of your life with him is like signing up for a lifetime of purgatory. Still, you’ll stay with him for a while because the idea of being alone makes you wake up at night in cold sweats.

The Nice But Boring Guy is sure to draw in ladies who are coming off of long-term relationships with exciting but volatile men. He’s there to build up your self-esteem and drive you to the movies in his pre-owned Toyota Prius. Crowds will settle for his silky vocals on songs such as, “You Take My Breath Away Like Asthma Does,” and “You’re Out of My League.”

The European Tourist

The European Tourist has an air of mystery about him. He’s only in town for a few days, and he wants you to show him the sights. There’s something intoxicating about his accent. Or maybe it’s all that red wine. Can’t it be both?

The sense of excitement and ephemeral nature of his travel visa make The European Tourist a magnet for women who have trouble committing and/ or are able to overlook ponytails. His smoky, pretty good English, steams up tracks like, “Language Barrier,” and “It’s So, How You Say, I Love You.”

The Jerk

There is no one more irresistible than The Jerk. He has so much swagger and independence. It seems like he doesn’t need you, and then guess what? He doesn’t! He’ll flirt with waitresses right under your nose. He’ll get you iTunes gift cards for your birthday.

The Jerk will win over women who think they don’t deserve any better, as well as women who like danger or hate their parents. Pretty much every group except for the ones who will go for The Nice But Boring Guy. (And even they’ll experiment with The Jerk, once they’re done with NBBG.) He’ll sing your guiltiest of guilty pleasure jams. Everything from “Stop Smothering Me,” to “You Don’t Need That Second Piece of Pizza.”

If you think you fit one of these types and want to join my band, shoot me an e-mail. Come on, guys! Biological clocks are ticking! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – U.S. National Archives

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