If we are good friends, I have probably met your pets. Because I am a polite person, I have probably said nice things about them. It’s about time that I come clean, though. Most likely, I wasn’t especially fond of your animal companion. Yes, I was probably just pretending to like your pet.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Dog
I am not a big animal person. A dog seems like a toddler that will never grow up. You have to feed it and throw its poop away and play with it even when you don’t want to. If dogs could use toilets or make sandwiches, I’d be happier to have them around. But when a dog needs something, it needs something. Your dog will never become self-actualized and take up a hobby like knitting or making ships in bottles. If your dog is acting out, you have to deal with it. You can’t just stop taking its calls for a week like you could with a person friend. I understand why you love your dog. It’s loyal. It’s great company on long walks. It eats the food you don’t want to eat under the table (or so sitcoms tell me). I just don’t have that bond with your pet. So if we have plans, and your dog messes them up, I’m going to be less understanding than you are.
Also, please keep your dog’s face out of my butt and butt out of my face.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Cat
When I say I’m not big on animals in general, cat owners like to twist my words around and tell me that cats are so independent it’s not like hanging around a dumb needy dog. Well that’s even worse because it means you’re living with a standoffish animal that doesn’t like OR need you. It’s like living with an ex that you broke up with while you look for a new place. You resent that you have to clean up after him/ her. Everything is tense. But for some reason when I visit, I have to pretend things are okay. I will tolerate your cat to its face, but when it’s not around, I will talk SO MUCH trash about it, to the point where you wonder how long I’ve felt that way and whether all of your other friends also hate your cat (most of them do).
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Fish
Your fish are boring. Of course they are beautiful, but how long can I really watch something beautiful move back and forth in silence. That’s what creeps do to their neighbors with binoculars. If I really wanted to press my face up to glass and watch the interactions between creatures that aren’t aware of me, I’d just look through my window at the teenagers in front of my building. At least they mix it up by fighting each other sometimes.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Bird
Birds smell weird and are loud when everyone else wants to sleep. They are the drunks of the pet world. Your bird can talk? Great. So can my television. Unless your bird is going to reenact last night’s episode of Breaking Bad, I’d like it to be quiet, please. If your bird can recite last night’s episode of Breaking Bad, then it is an awesome pet, and I take everything back.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Rodent
Your ferrets, gerbils, guinea pigs, and hamsters are basically rats and mice. If you have rats or mice, at least they have the courage to come out and be actual rats or mice. But still, no thanks. Rabbits are cute, but they seem to poop more than they eat, which is the world’s grossest magic trick. I’m against it.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Reptile
Reptiles have scales and big creepy eyes. They are interesting to look at but basically they’re dinosaurs, and I learned from Jurassic Park that dinosaurs are no fun to hang out with. I also learned that dinosaurs are related to birds. So that’s another reason to not like birds.
Recently I heard a story about a guy who owned a snake and the snake stopped eating for a while. When the guy talked to a veterinarian about it, the doctor said that the snake had begun starving itself in preparation for eating its owner. So let that be a lesson to you. Your python is only wrapping itself around your arms and shoulders because it sees you as the turkey for his Snakesgiving Day meal. Plus, who owns a snake? Are you a professional wrestler or a pick up artist? Either way, gross.
Why I Have to Pretend to Like Your Horse
I probably don’t. No one who has horse-owning money wants to hang out with me.
So if you have an animal companion, I will be respectful of it. But just know that in my heart, I think we’d be having a more fun time without it.
I’m glad we had this little talk. You know, talking? A thing animals can’t do. Don’t worry. Mittens will never know how I feel unless you read this out loud to her like some sort of crazy person. And that’s on you.