Are You The Woman Of My Dreams?

Part of being an adult, I’m told, is knowing what you want out of a relationship. You have to figure out which qualities are essential in a partner, and which are negotiable. I’ve recently had the chance to evaluate my own romantic needs, and I have finally managed to narrow down the attributes present in my dream woman. If you fit this description, please feel free to contact me, as you are probably my soul mate.

Obsession With Work

I am not picky about what someone does for a job, as long as she is totally wrapped up in it and works all the time. It’s so boring to talk to someone who does not care about what they do all day. Plus, I am busy, so if she is also busy, that would be perfect. No long Wednesday nights on the couch arguing over who picks the Netflix movie. I guess if I were pressed, I’d say she would be into some sort of humanitarian work or the hard sciences. I can always listen to a lady talk about science or social work!

Funny

All the “research” about guys not liking funny women is ridiculous. It is always delightful to be around someone who makes you laugh. I’m a sucker for women with a really dark sense of humor. It’s so charming! Plus, I know she’ll be fun to have around at funerals. She doesn’t have to be making constant armpit farts, but I think if on a third date, a woman showed off just one or two armpit farts, I’d be hers.

Lack of Awareness of Pop Culture

For some reason, I find it enormously appealing when a woman is entirely ignorant about film, television, and music. If you can’t name all three Kardashians, I’m intrigued. If you don’t know what a Channing Tatum is I’m fascinated. Recently, I had a conversation with a woman who had never heard of Lebron James. I nearly proposed on the spot.

On the other hand, though, I am always interested in…

Tremendous Depth of Knowledge Regarding 1990s Hip Hop

It’s going to come up. It’s better she knows about it going in.

Really Strong Opinions I Don’t Agree With

I don’t mean fundamental moral differences. I’d have trouble dating someone who was staunchly against marriage equality. But holy smokes am I drawn in by anyone who hates my favorite TV shows or songs and is willing to tell me why I’m wrong about everything. This is probably not a sustainable way to relate to someone, but in the short term it’s a blast. I could not be happier to offer an ardent defense of why The Big Lebowski is more than just a dumb stoner comedy or how there is never any good reason to eat a raw tomato outside of salsa.

Strange Physical Traits

Here are some of the physical attributes that I have recently found attractive. Some of them were surprises even to me. I’m just being honest here.

  • Different colored hair and eyebrows. It’s like her face is saying: “I’ve got secrets.”
  • Glasses or a weird nose or a scar. It’s so unfortunate when women sandblast away their differences and look like one kind of “hot.” It’s the worst.
  • Really slender limbs and a visibly pregnant stomach. I have no idea why. I certainly am not ready to have kids. Plus, a pregnant lady is probably not looking to fall in love with me. C’est la vie.

Specific Personality Attributes

  • Speaks a foreign language perfectly but has no accent when she speaks English.
  • Willingness to eat pizza late at night.
  • Strongly feminist. When a woman doesn’t identify as a feminist, I’m like: “Who did this to you?”
  • An easy laugh. There was a plotline on Scrubs where the character that looked just like Zach Braff broke up with a character that looked just like Mandy Moore because she never laughed out loud and only said, “That’s funny.” I get it. It’s crazy, but I get it.
  • Is comfortable with her body to a degree that she doesn’t need to say she is comfortable with her body.
  • Kind to children and animals but not obsessed with children or animals. Again, I don’t want a baby. I promise.
  • Doesn’t litter. Come on. It’s everyone’s planet.

So, if you’re a funny pregnant lady with a prominent scar who loves 2Pac but couldn’t pick Kristen Stewart out of a lineup, feel free to get in touch. I’m a pretty nice guy. I’m polite and thoughtful, and other than the above specifications I’m not picky. Obviously there’s some wiggle room here, but I’m just putting it all out there.

Also, if you are specifically looking for a guy who compulsively quotes Biggie and loves pie and considers actually putting away clean laundry a gargantuan accomplishment… we’re probably meant to be. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

    Josh, if I weren’t a lesbian, I think we’d do just fine.

    • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart Laura Jayne Martin (@laurajaynemart)

      Can I get in on that, sexless threesome?

  • http://www.raymondthimmes.com raymondthimmes

    We have very similar taste in women, Mr. Gondelman.

    • Vee

      Yep very similar. The only thing Im picky about physically, is that girl thighs don’t touch. Can’t deal with thunder thighs. Great article.

  • http://gravatar.com/jcglobetrotter Joey

    This is hilarious, so fun to read. I agree with you on all of these qualities, although I don’t think I can pull off armpit farts and unfortunately I do know who Kristen Stewart is. I hope those aren’t dealbreakers? ;) (PS, yes I am a female named Joey. Go figure).

  • Guest

    How do you feel about aspiring academics in the social sciences?

  • Suzanna

    I surprisingly fit that quite well. Except for the, um.. pregnant belly part.

  • Van

    Gondelman. So does she have to be Jewish? You didn’t mention that, and that is usually the dealbreakers in relationships, and that can really narrow down your choices.

  • Anna

    this is hilarious, This website really has sucked me in. Too bad Im not prego, have different colored hair and eyebrows or a scar…….

  • Claire

    An early 20-something dude who wants a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl who loves kids but won’t trap you into adulthood, who’s skinny but binges on late-night pizza? Yawn. I’ve read this/watched this/heard this description of what a woman should be about a million times now, and believe me, actual, opinionated, hard-working feminist women don’t want to bother with all the posturing it would take to fit into the ridiculous double-standard fulfilling embodiments of how you imagine a woman should be.

    • Van

      Well put @Claire

    • //////

      THIS. so many contradictions in this super-specific description. the only thing that i enjoyed was that it goes really well will the last article written about the guy not having a type.

    • http://gravatar.com/gondelman Josh Gondelman

      Claire (and others),

      Thanks for reading the piece and engaging with it. I appreciate your attention and feedback. For me, this was more about piling on a series of traits that I find appealing at different times. It’s certainly contradictory. And definitely not a description of one person. I had hoped the tongue in cheekery would come through at the end especially when I claimed to be “not picky except for the above list.” Plus, in my haste to be silly, I left out “kindness and compassion” which are more important than anything I listed. Obviously, for you, it missed the mark.Still, thanks for reading!

      Josh

      PS. Also in my defense, what is the stereotype about guys in their early twenties who are actually much closer to thirty and say they want to be with pregnant social workers? I missed that rom com!

      • Tanvi

        haahh yeah it was cute, but sounds like a list of your favorite traits of your exes. There’s a lotta ladies out there like this, so you’ll do fine. it’s funny that guys think women like this are novel. maybe the problem with finding a good girl is that they don’t bother with boys who enumerate their futures.

      • Claire

        Hey Josh, no worries. I didn’t mean to be the snippy commentator. We all have traits we find appealing, and that’s totally cool. I guess I responded the way I did because it always irks me when dudes are interested in me because I fit into a list of carefully curated pre-conceived ideas of their female ideal instead of, well, for me (esp. when uniqueness and strong will are supposedly what they’re looking for). It strikes me as sexist, although I can admit women are also guilty of this — but I’d argue there aren’t so many common double standards.

        Liking women who love children but don’t want to have them anytime in the near future is particularly problematic, since we have a more limited timeframe to have kids, and, if we love them and we’re in our mid-20s-plus, we probably have given some thought to how and when that might pan out. But god forbid we have any real conversations about that, lest the carefree joie de vivre you love so much about us lose its glean. Also, the piece about knowing about the ‘right’ kind of pop culture — and actually being on the same page about what that is — just sounds exhausting. I know a lot of people who would frown on Tupac knowledge as soooo mainstream, after all, and character assessments over that kind of stuff is something that reminds me of one too many painful interactions with Brooklyn hipsters.

    • TOR

      thx claire

  • http://twitter.com/koviebiakolo Kovie Biakolo (@koviebiakolo)

    Hey Josh….how you doing? ;) Lol…ah, if only I identified with the world feminism. I always ask people to define their version of a feminist before committing to saying yes or no. Then I define what type of feminist I am – people have different ideas about the concept you know, so it’s not so black and white. And you can quote Biggie all you want…but I’m most definitely a Pac girl. lol! Loved this!

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/are-you-the-woman-of-my-dreams-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • Sal

    ‘When a woman doesn’t identify as a feminist, I’m like: “Who did this to you?”’

    So a woman can’t choose to not to be feminist on her own accord? I for one am sick of this right-wing, misogynistic, crypto-fascism. A woman is just as good as a man, and therefore just as capable of voluntarily believing women are inherently inferior to men. I think Josh Gondelman is just frightened of strong independent women with their own opinions. He wants to go back to the days when you could keep your wife chained to the kitchen sink and beat her with a cedar cane if you got bored. Well I’ve got news for you buster, it isn’t gonna happen.

    • muffin.

      …This is a joke, right? I can’t tell ><

    • andy

      Well, that escalated quickly

  • Danielle

    Funny how I read this and thought “thats funny” to some of your points. then got to your comment about “thats funny”. Haha.

  • Elyse

    I feel like this was probably meant to be satire, but whatever. You’ve just described me almost exactly, except I’m not pregnant. Sorry, I’m not sorry.

    Call me, maybe?

  • cg

    Ironically,this list describes the man of my dreams.

  • Sarah

    Who is biggie?

  • Victoria

    Scrubs ripped off Seinfeld with the “that’s funny” girl who didn’t laugh. I listen to biggie when I exercise. I also get the whole feminist thing. I disagree with your views on tomatoes, but see where your coming from (for me it’s red peppers, only good pureed in hummus). I started out thinking it’s lame that you’re soliciting your dream girl on here, but actually find that it’s growing on me. It couldn’t hurt to look absolutely everywhere.

  • Lena

    Come over here let me tell you my secret.

  • Day

    Where have you been all my life, soulmate?
    Give us a call sometimes?
    ^ ^
    P.S. I am not pregnant, nor do I look like I am. Also, I happen to know a lot about pop culture, from almost 1000 years back. If we can work around that, I’m yours.

  • Aisla

    Bwahaha, I am every single one of those, except I am not addicted to my job (which is basically pretty impossible since I am jobless at the moment, but I was very much into my last temp job at a theater) and I am quite sure my tummy doesn’t look like I am pregnant, but who knows, maybe to someone it does. My accent, well, you’ll have to ask my wonderful teacher Andrew. He told me I speak like a Brit who has lived many years in US. Or the other way around, I can’t remember.

  • Eliza

    Sorry, I’m not pregnant, but I think I look like a 3month old preggers who just came out of a cave. Oops.

  • Jeannie

    Darn! I don’t fit any of these traits, except for the pregnant belly.

  • MH

    Wow. Reading this was like reading a description of myself more or less. Slight discrepancies that don’t impact the whole. I’m not saying this to be funny or try to get with you, but damn.
    The funny part of it is that most of these things have repelled other suitors. People like you DO exist!

  • shantelle

    wow josh, look at you getting all these women to say they are your soulmate! haha

    “i see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby”

    there goes your Biggie quote…. and I think you DO want a baby.. maybe not now, but in the near future. hahaha

  • Ana

    I fit most of these traits too. I am tri-lingual but speak English with an accent, Indian accent.
    Btw what is English without an accent? Is it British or American? And why aren’t they being counted under accents?
    Also, what will happen of these women who fit the bill?

  • onyae

    You’re my kind of guy. Why can’t there be more LIKE YOU. I’m so sick of guys who are stuck on women always having to agree with them on everything. Anyway great post.

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