Women Aren’t Funny, And Other Useful Facts

Women aren’t funny. That’s a fact. Probably it’s because women don’t fart, and farts are empirically the funniest thing.

Also, men lack the ability to conceive of any number larger than the amount of people than fits in a football stadium. If a man says he can picture a ten million of something he is envisioning, in all likelihood, sixty thousand at most.

People who identify as transgender don’t feel physical pain. A transgendered person who appears to be in pain is faking it as some sort of gambit. That person may be trying to steal your wallet or form an unequal business partnership.

Jews can’t ride horses. They slide right off. Science has never been able to explain this phenomenon.

The French are all colorblind. It is amazing that they can even recognize their flag.

For some reason, Persian children don’t develop fingerprints until they turn five. A Persian toddler makes an ideal bank heist accomplice.

Natural redheads are slightly better at starting campfires than people with any other hair color. They enjoy no noticeable advantage at stoking or igniting indoor flames. What’s more, they are moderately worse at lighting candles with sweeping, romantic motions.

Native Americans’ taste buds don’t recognize the “umami” flavor. Weird, right? They can’t even enjoy eating every part of the buffalo.

Puerto Rican men are afraid of amphibians. When traveling from Puerto Rico to Florida, they do so with extreme anxiety, even if they never approach the Everglades.

Haitians don’t exist. Haiti is just a rumor started by Magellan. What we think of as Haiti is just more Dominican Republic.

Canadians possess telekinesis, the ability to move objects with their minds, but they politely decline to use that power. They believe it to be gauche and low-class. If you see a Canadian using telekinesis, he or she has fallen on desperate times.

All Episcopalians are secretly sharks. Watch out! They have rows and rows of teeth!

If four Senegalese people make a cheerleader-style pyramid, they instantly form into a Senegalese Voltron-type robot. Cheerleading tournaments in Senegal are therefore exceedingly rare because they always end with robot justice being doled out.

Cats only shed their fur when they contemplate the fleeting nature of life. Each cat is like a tiny Jean-Paul Sartre.

iPods are unreliable, but they eagerly volunteer to do favors. If an iPod offers to pick you up from the airport, have a backup plan.

Milky Way candy bars are made of unicorn tumors.

The concept of “ennui” can only be understood by someone wearing a beret. TC Mark

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  • Ben

    Persia isn’t a place, but Iran is.

    • barn
      • Ben

        Wow! You done a wikipedia. Good work!! Like I said, Persia isn’t a place, it’s called IRAN. Effing Americans.

      • Johnston

        Except the author never said Persia was a place?

      • Ben

        “Persian children” = Persian people right? Persian people are called Iranians because Iran hasn’t been called Persia for a long time. It’s the same as continuing to call Delhi, Bombay or Beijing, Peking or Myanmar, Burma. Disrespectful.

      • Johnston

        (Thank you for the random fact, though!)

      • Caitlin

        almost as bad as mixing Delhi up with Mumbai?

      • Ben

        Whoops, genuine accident. Noticed as soon as I posted, not the same as ignorance really.

    • pri

      Idk why ure making a big deal?..way to mix up Delhi and Mumbai. Mumbai used to be called Bombay and many Mumbai natives stoll call it that, ESP since the movement to call it Mumbai has been majorly funded.by bigots.
      More relating to your comment, I have many culturally sound friends from Iran who.never refer to themselves as Iranian. They proudly proclaim themselves as Persia. It may no longer be a place but those people still like to acknowledge their rich heritage. Maybe talk to ppl of differrent orgins before you go blindly arguing for them.

      • Ben

        I just pointed out that it was a genuine accident (typing far too quickly). I don’t know anyone from Mumbai who still calls it Bombay, given that the British gave it that name during their rule and they weren’t exactly popular. As for arguing blindly, you have no idea where I’m from or who I talk to so that point is pretty invalid. “Culturally sound”? what does that even mean? I have several Iranian friends who would never call themselves Persian because it’s nothing to do with a rich heritage, it’s simply just…not living in the past. It hasn’t been called “The Persian Empire” for generations. I wasn’t “making a big deal” ad you so eloquently put it, my original post simply stated that wasn’t the name for the place. Someone else felt the need to contest that, despite it being true.

      • http://twitter.com/rob_t_firefly Rob Vincent (@rob_t_firefly)

        Sometimes I mix the deli up with the bodega.

    • a persian

      hey ding dong, the country’s called iran, but most natives still identify as “persian”

      (you know, as separate from ethnic kurds, lurs, azeris (who can all be iranian) and so on. but keep getting mad about it if it makes you feel more worldly!)

      • Ben

        I sure will. And I’ll be sure to take your word for it “conveniently placed anonymous Internet Persian”.

      • http://gravatar.com/shadytree another conveniently placed Iranian

        haha, why must there always be some sort of conflict when anything to do with Iran/Persia comes up ?! Everyone needs to calm down, Persian/Iranian = same thing but some “Persians” like to keep that a secret ;)

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart Laura Jayne Martin (@laurajaynemart)

    Ahhhhhhhh this is the best thing ever! Nailed it.

  • E.S.G.

    fucking stupid

  • http://www.connective-healing.com Lindsay

    This isn’t funny. It’s just stupid.

  • ?

    Ummmm….

  • Sandra V

    I think you should reconsider comedy, just sayin’

    • Zoe Edwards

      perfectly said.

  • Jack

    All you did here was stick some random words together. Not great.

    • Jack

      And try to gain more views with a sensationalist title.

  • Esther

    darn! I read it all

  • http://gravatar.com/th3n0d3 Max

    Please, more!

  • Jack

    Stupid..

  • pri

    Honestly most of this made no sense to me, I dont really see the point u were trying to make. But its hard to post things online..sometimes its a hit, sometimes a miss. Props for putting it up desite the haterss

  • Domino

    …….?

  • http://gravatar.com/gondelman Josh Gondelman

    Hey everyone! This is my fault for not framing this piece well enough. Last week, the inane debate of “Are Women Funny?” came up again, and I hadn”t had the time to comment until today. The whole thing started last Thursday which is a million years ago in internet time, so my fault again. Plus, I live and work in a weird insular corner of the world and sometimes forget that other people don’t know/care about it.

    Here’s the link that kind of sparked the conversation I’m taking part in…
    http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/the_man_man_NS5UgwY5j06KwJp4WY1OJL#ixzz1yGodnitf

    Also, of course Persia is not a country…and Haiti is.

    If you’re still not on board with the piece, thanks for reading anyway! Have a nice night!

    Josh

    • Sarah

      I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Josh Gondelman. Well-played! Keep it coming.

      • http://gravatar.com/janapollack Jana Pollack

        As am I, my friend. As am I. Love it.

    • http://gravatar.com/markcatalano Mark

      Josh, you do excellent work. Keep doing what you’re doing.

  • Shane

    Change your biographical info to “Josh Gondelman is a writer and failed comedian who incubated in Boston before moving to New York City.” and I won’t berate you, because I’ll treat your post like a 9/11 throw blanket: obnoxious, ridiculous, and still sad to look at.

  • Terrance and Phillipe

    Who told you about our telekinetic abilities? I need to find them so I can make there skull explode with my mind, although if it is another Canadian, it will be difficult do to the fact we will be evenly matched, thats why we dont have violence, eh

    • Kimberly

      Now THAT T&P is funny. =)

  • kate

    SO FUNNY. The only way this could be better is if it was written by a woman. Although, you could get surgery and be transgender and then you wouldn’t feel any pain ever!

  • Reni

    I didn’t totally connect with this piece, Josh. However, I did read all of it, and I appreciated certain parts of it. Now that I read your explanation it makes a lot more sense! You are cool. :)

  • Woo

    I, personally enjoyed this. I think people just have a different sense of humour.

  • G

    I think this is hilarious, well done.

  • Matt Good

    Canadian fallen on hard times willing to aid fingerprintless Persian toddler in bank heist…

  • rosiemccapp

    Satire is a-okay by me!

  • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com mathewpaulk

    the first one was hilarious !!!

  • Kimberly

    …. I thought you said women weren’t funny? If this article was written by a woman then I would laugh at it and say, “OK I get the joke” but since its written by a man it just seems like an attempt at humorous irony.

    • Bloop

      Or an attempt to attract page views by latching on to Adam Carolla’s pointless comments.

  • Jess

    Hey buddy. What a weird set of comments on this one. I thought it was funny and immediately obvious what you were getting at. Also, I’m now going to go adopt a Persian cat and teach it about cultural identity.

  • anna

    I feel like this might be kinda racist.

    • http://www.joshgondelman.gmail.com Josh Gondelman

      It’s not, but thanks for reading!

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