The School of Hard Knocks receives a lion’s share of publicity for storied alumni such as rapper Jay-Z, Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, and author Maya Angelou. Let’s not forget, though, that the School of Gentle Knocks has produced accomplished graduates such as Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Spencer Pratt, and Charlie Sheen (who later returned for his MHK at Hard Knocks). Some of the most privileged, connected members of society have passed through these halls, and now you have joined their ranks.
This fall, SoGK will offer a broad range of courses designed to help students maximize their affiliations with other, more accomplished people. Several courses specifically deal with the rigorous disciplines of Leisure and Feeling Better Than Everyone Else. Many courses are capped to maintain our strict student:teacher ratios, so enroll now! Or don’t. Your parents will probably just donate a wing to one of our museums and get you into whatever classes you want. Just do whatever. Don’t forget, though, athletics are a central part of campus life, so be sure to come out and support our croquet and bocce teams. Go, Fighting Cardigans!
“Intro to Brunch”
Course Description: Intro to Brunch gives an overview of all foods that lie in the sweet Venn diagram intersection of breakfast and lunch. You will learn the difference between a Spanish and a Western Omelet. You will develop the tools to distinguish between a Béarnaise and a Hollandaise. Course evaluations consistently grade this class: “Yummers.”
Prerequisites: Mimosas are Tu-mosas: A Tapas-style Spanglish Primer, Leisure Meals of the World, Modern Photography 201: Eggs and Instagram Filters
Course Description: Which sweaters tie best around the neck? Which look best around the waist? Will an overhand or an underhand tuck best enable your tennis swing? How can I secure my garment without straining its threads? Is it true that orange makes you look poor? This course aims to answer these inquiries and other philosophical sweater-related questions.
Prerequisites: Beginning Sweater Tying, Intermediate Sweater Tying, Madras Studies, Introduction to Pleats and Cuffs
“The Semester Abroad that Changes Your Life”
Course Description: This semester, broaden your cultural horizons. Extend your course of study in a remote corner of the world, then come back and tell everyone how the experience changed your life. Spend a few months in Dublin and talk about how the Guinness tastes so much better there. Visit Barcelona and notice how the Europeans have such a healthy work/ life balance. Go to Australia… drink. Don’t forget to come back from wherever you visit with an affected accent and a few words of local slang you use at every possible opportunity. Cheers!
Prerequisites: None. Just go for it. Everyone speaks English, right?
“Asking Your Parents for Money”
Course Description: From guilting to pleading, this course covers the myriad ways one can extract money from one’s parents. This is a full-year course, with the spring semester detailing how to justify your job as a “freelance graphic designer” to your peers even though your only client is your dad’s best friend’s guitar shop on Martha’s Vineyard.
Prerequisites: Having Rich Parents (This course is required for enrollment in “Quitting the Band and Working for Your Dad.”)
“Overview of 21st Century Complaining”
Course Description: It is important to look on the bright side, but bright light makes you squint and sweat and sometimes gives you skin cancer. There’s no situation that can’t be complained about if given the proper care and attention. You’ll learn mastery over the axioms:
Every line is too long.
No location on earth should inhibit cell phone reception.
It is so hard to date in this city.
Anything that doesn’t meet your standards of perfection is, “ghetto.”
The course also covers the postmodern practice of complaining about other peoples’ complaints in addition to the futurist tendency to complain about things that have not yet happened.
Prerequisites: Seasons 1-3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Literature 20C: Early Work of Philip Roth, Independent Study: Airport Field Work and Observation
“Survey of General Fanciness”
Course Description: General Fanciness delves into topics from high fashion to which forks are appropriate for which shrimp. The final examination will be the creation of a line of jewelry that looks elegant and not tacky, like a Juggalo that just won the lottery might wear. Berets mandatory.
Prerequisites: Ascots, Neckerchiefs, and Broaches: Accessories of the Ostentatious, Teas of the World, Seminar on Pronouncing the Silent H
“Methods of Vague Condescension”
Course Description:This course covers topics such as…
Obliquely mentioning where you went to college with sly references like: “Oh, just a small school in New Haven,” (Yale) or “A technical college near Boston,” (MIT).
Referring to your car as “The Beamer” while not being a rapper.
Proper intonation while when: “That. Is. So. IN-teresting.”
Generally acting like you are a character from Mad Men.
Prerequisites: To Pop Or Not To Pop? Collars Throughout History, Introduction to Never Doing Blue Collar Work, Basic Douchery