We Should Bring Back Bullying

Bullying has gotten a bad rap lately. Case studies show victims of bullying suffer from symptoms of depression and anxiety, and sometimes they even commit suicide. But let’s not forget the practical purpose that bullying serves: To remind people who like art that they’re not normal and shouldn’t grow up feeling good about themselves.

Bullying is as important as breast milk or finding a Playboy magazine in the woods. It’s part of growing up. It makes people tough. Or it destroys them. If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to ruin some lives. And, as we all know, omelets are the only worthwhile kind of food. Simply put, we need more bullies!

In addition to a renaissance of good old-fashioned torment for nerds, dweebs, wimps, freaks, queers, and weirdos, here are a few more institutions I’d like to see make a comeback.

The Mortgage Crisis

Our lame, sissy economy had had it too easy for too long. Unemployment was low. The dollar was strong. Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac were right to offer subprime mortgages to unqualified homebuyers. If they couldn’t handle having their dreams offered to them at a dangerously unsustainable cost, they shouldn’t have allowed themselves to be swindled by vastly more educated people who pretended to have their best interests at heart. That’s something losers do. The mortgage crisis put those losers in their place…by evicting them from their homes.

Now the economy seems to be stabilizing again. The unemployment rate is dropping. And a lot of idiots seem to think this is good. We need another mortgage crisis. If we let people who aren’t super rich buy homes and pay off their loans, what kind of country will we be? A weak one about to get taken over by China. If poor people can’t stop being poor, that’s their problem.

Witch Trials

Nowadays, witches go unpunished far too often. Women walk around wearing pants and voting and otherwise behaving in strange and evil ways. Some of them even practice Wicca and other bona fide manners of witchcraft. Religious freedom has to have its limits, right? We can’t let this unbridled pants-wearing and earth spirit worshiping go on without reprecussions. It’s time to bring witch trials back!

A witch trial is fair. A woman, accused of being a witch, will be laden with rocks and thrust into a nearby lake. If she floats, she is a witch and must be burnt at the stake. Which is as American as BBQ. If she sinks, she was not a witch and gets to go to heaven. So it’s a win-win, really. Just like bullying.

The Bubonic Plague

Epidemics are like nature’s bullies. They weed out the people with weak immune systems so only the strong survive. If you can’t stand a little plague, maybe you should drink some more orange juice and do some pushups.

Aww, you got bit by a rat and have an easily curable disease but no access to medication? Boo hoo. If you want communist health care, you should move to Canada or Iceland or some other place where weak people talk stupid and cater to wimps.

If you can’t afford health care for your children, why did you have children? If you want human rights, you have to pay a corporation for them. That’s how it works! Pioneers lost children on the Oregon Trail all the time, and it just made their wagons lighter and their trips faster.

We need a new plague, Bubonic or otherwise.

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina devastated the city of New Orleans. It killed countless citizens and forced thousands of others out of their homes. That’s exactly the kind of kick in the butt a weird city like New Orleans needed. I mean, come on; it’s a quarter French. Seriously? No city in my America is that French. Next thing you know all of Louisiana will be wearing berets and pronouncing “croissant” like “cwussonn.” Yeah right. Not on my watch.

So what if the city has never fully recovered? That just means that it was a pussy and deserved to be bullied by a hurricane in the first place. That’s what you get for having all that culture.

Serial Killers

Serial killers keep people on their toes. Seriously. Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy were just thinning the herd. If you don’t want to get murdered, maybe try not being a lady or a child, dummy. Serial killers are the best bullies, because the people that overcome them are physically stronger or faster than they are. That’s what Darwin intended when he invented evolution.

Maybe you’re the kind of liberal wimp that thinks people shouldn’t be serial killed. Oh, okay. You’re probably also the kind of chump who has “ethical qualms” with Columbus Day on the grounds that a lot of rape and genocide happened under Christopher Columbus’s watch. Whatever.
I’ve got two words for you, nerd. Survival and ofthefittest. If you’re too weak not to get murdered by a stranger, then good riddance. I bet you spent your entire childhood getting your football pulled away from you by a little girl. The world needs less Charlie Browns and more Charles Mansons. TC mark

image – Bertha Crowley

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  • A.

    Wow I say this all the time and nobody gets it

  • Greg

    Scathing. Sardonic. Sinister. Subversive. Bless you, Mr. Gondelman. 

    • Josh Gondelman

      Thanks, Greg!

  • zlady6

    so good. so politically incorrect. 

  • guest

    I bet people are going to jump ALL over you for the Katrina thing.

  • http://twitter.com/nawasaka Becky To

    hahaha nicely done.

    and I love how “THIS IS SATIRE” is in block capitals in the tags for any dummies reading.

  • Anonymous

    SO PERFECT. 
    If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to ruin some lives. 
    I also especially loved “I’ve got two words for you, nerd. Survival and ofthefittest.”

    I will quote this all day…..

  • Anonymous

    Two things:

    One – you need to fact check your sub-prime mortgage claim.  Sub-prime mortgages were given to 70% of people that qualified for prime mortgages, yet banks didn’t give them out because they wanted to make more money on the sub-prime mortgage rate.  Also, a staggering amount of sub-prime mortgages were given to African-Americans that qualified for prime mortgages. 

    Two – as someone who is gay and was bullied constantly in high school, I kind of agree with your article.  Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t get bullied…I am much stronger than a lot of people I know.  I always tell people that I hope when I have kids, they get bullied for having two gay dads.  That way they might be able to understand what their dads went through.  Chances are high that when I have kids though, two gay dads won’t be as taboo as it is now.

    For the record, bullying doesn’t need to be “brought back,” because it’s still happening.  I think a little bullying is fine, but when it comes to the point that someone is going to take their own life because of it, something needs to be done.

    • http://twitter.com/ayshabkhan Aysha Khan

      Can I point you in the direction of the tag, “THIS IS SATIRE”? I wasn’t sure if you had picked that up or not. I do agree a little bullying is healthy, as a rite of passage and exposure to the realities of the real world. But, that’s not even relevant to this article. 

      • Anonymous

        tbh, i only read the sub-prime mortgage thing and decided to comment bc i don’t curr.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        cool

    • miks

      Umm, the article is satire. Just so you know…

  • http://twitter.com/ayshabkhan Aysha Khan

    Huge fan of this until the last sentence; “fewer Charlie Browns,” not less. Otherwise, A+, good sir, as always!

  • Lindsay

    KEITHPINTHECITY, I’m smacking my forehead at you. And rolling my eyes. 

    Moving on, this is perfect in every way. And coming from a native New Orleanian, the part about Katrina is poignant, thanks for the holla.

  • http://twitter.com/HenningFog Henning Fog

    No one’s talking about witches anymore. Thank you for bringing them (and their hopeful burning, because justice) back to the conversation!

  • Mar

    “That’s what Darwin intended when he invented evolution.” LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  • victoria elliott

    is this satire i can’t tell???

  • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

    Dear people who were all “I agree! You’re right”:

    The author was joking. You have revealed yourself as a terrible person. The consequences are…nonexistent, actually. Internet usually forgets, despite rumors to the contrary.

  • Kaitlynclement

    “The world needs less Charlie Browns and more Charles Mansons.” BALLER STATUS

  • No

    you shouldn’t attempt humor.

    • Josh Gondelman

      I am a professional comedian.
      Thank you for reading!

      • No

        ugh, i know.

        you should probably stop that.

      • Josh Gondelman

        Whatever you do, I’d suggest you find something that brings you more joy so you don’t have to get fulfillment from crapping on other people anonymously over the internet.

        Or you can feel free to let bitterness calcify you into an unrecognizable husk where once there was potential for humanity!

  • Guest

    This is more just an article pointing out the ridiculousness of Social Darwinism than anything else…

  • Sarasue

    ‘I got two words for you, nerd, survival ofthefittest’ lollolololololol, so good….

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