As the hot-button issue of birth control continues to inspire uncomfortable conversation at dinner tables across the country, lawmakers are working on how to best regulate the treacherous territory known as the human vagina.
Legislators in Arizona have taken a bold step in the War on Skanks. They have proposed a bill that would legally consider a woman pregnant starting on the last day of her most recent menstrual period before conception. You read that sentence correctly. In Arizona, it may soon be that women will be legally pregnant before an offending sperm ever penetrates the depths of her babymaker. Some people say this law goes too far. I, however, submit that it does not go far enough.
A woman’s term of ovulation, when conception can take place, usually occurs about two weeks after the period. Sexual intercourse that happens up to five days before ovulation or one day after it could feasibly result in pregnancy. All that information comes from medical science, which as we all know, is the enemy of morality. Just because it is medically impossible for a woman to be pregnant, she is not exempt from the rule of law. Vaginas, exotic as they are, are not foreign diplomats. They are subject to the same rules as the rest of us, if not more.
Just to be safe, here are several other circumstances that we should consider as the genesis of pregnancy. Some of these instances are known to coincide with conception. Others have no relation to it or make it more difficult. Both types of event are equally important to legislate.
Pregnancy Can Be Considered to Commence…
- At the point a woman’s prescription for birth control is one week from expiring.
- Starting one hour after a woman has had more than three (or more) glasses of red wine.
- The fortnight beginning on February 1st (two weeks before Valentine’s Day).
- After watching The Notebook.
- Immediately following a woman’s agreeing to let a man insert “just the tip.”
- Any time a woman is wearing a tube top.
- A full moon.
- A new moon.
- A striking vista of the moon’s light piercing through a thin veil of clouds.
- The moment a woman searches a phrase “fertility clinic” on Google.
- Upon any utterance of: “Aww! That baby/ puppy is so cute.”
- Right after a man says “Whoops!” in the middle of sexual intercourse.
- If ever a woman throws up before noon she may be pregnant.
- In the event that a woman makes eye contact with George Clooney.
- Any time a woman consents to sex using an expired or nearly-expired condom.
- When either party of a lesbian couple visits an adoption agency. (Both members will be considered pregnant.)
- On St. Patrick’s Day.
- Starting at 9 p.m. on the birthday of the last man a woman has had sexual intercourse with.
- At any point on New Year’s Eve.
- The day a woman rides a horse for the first time.
In fact, we should just scrap the list and consider every woman continuously pregnant from the point she has her first period until one week after the onset of menopause. This even (and especially!) goes for women who have not had sex ever. After all, that’s how Jesus Christ was conceived, was it not? And, if you remember correctly, we haven’t seen the last of that guy. He’ll be back someday. In anticipation of a Second Coming scenario, we should be on red alert for another virgin birth. But also, if a woman’s in a real drought, God might get a little absent-minded and impregnate her by accident. We cannot be too careful.
So it goes without saying, that if we are to consider all women pregnant at all times, women should not drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, play sports, work on a construction site, ride in dune buggies, or engage in any other strenuous physical activity. For women’s own good, we need these rules legally enforced. Once the Arizona legislation passes, we should start working on that.
After all, a woman’s body is primarily a vessel for child bearing, and we should do our best to make sure that women are always in peak pregnancy condition. Obviously, once a woman’s menses cease, these laws will no longer apply to her. She will enjoy the same rights and freedoms as any man or pre-pubescent girl until January 1st of the following year, when she will be placed on an ice floe and set adrift at sea.
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