How I Imagine Justin Bieber Spent His 18th Birthday

6:13 am: Wakes up to a text from Usher that reads, “Happy Burfday lil man.” Groggily texts back “YEAH!” Usher replies with a winking emoji. Falls back to sleep.

7:30 am: Alarm goes off. Wakes up again, next to the still-sleeping Selena Gomez. Legally touches her butt for the first time. Fist pumps in quiet celebration.

7:37 am: Rolls out of bed. Gets dressed and combs hair, keeping in mind the styles of twin fashion icons Aaron Carter and Rachel Maddow.

7:50 am: Prepares himself birthday breakfast. One bowl of Kix (“Kid tested, mother approved.”). One grapefruit. Two slices of bacon, Canadian, of course.

8:25 am: Reads newspaper. Feels deep sadness at the horror in the world. Calls local orphanage and offers orphans three thousand dollars each to do his breakfast dishes. Apologizes to Jesus for the nonconsensual butt-touch earlier.

9:42 am: Changes into workout clothes. Grows vaguely irritated at the fact that Selena is still asleep. Remembers she had a long day of filming the day before. Feels silly.

10:00 – 11:00 am: One hour directed meditation in his in-home bikram yoga studio. Focus on staying centered. After meditation, asks live-in yogi whether to grow his bangs back out. Yogi replies: “You must align your mind and body, Justin.” Bieber nods. Resolves to further meditate on the issue.

11:15 am – 11:30 am: Showers efficiently. Lotions extravagantly. Looks at torso in mirror. Feels like a man. Flexes. Thinks of American Psycho, a movie he has only seen clips of. Hears Selena milling about in the other room. Flexes again. Yeah.

12:03 pm – 2:57 pm: Redressed and recombed, answers fan letters and e-mails from “Beliebers,” members of his enthusiastic fan base. Wonders how a fan dotted the letter “i” with a heart in an e-mail. Makes brief, but sensually charged eye contact with Selena, who sits across the table answering a slightly smaller pile of fan mail. Overwhelmed with gratitude for fame and fortune, neglects to answer a “Happy Birthday” call from his mother.

2:58 – 2:59 pm: Ponders the fleeting nature of both fame and human life. Thinks with despair on own mortality. Wonders how he will die. Remembers he gets to eat ice cream cake later. Perks up.

3:03 pm: Selena asks whether he has seen The Godfather. Starts to answer “Ne-“ but remembers never to say never. Replies with a cheerful: “Not yet!” Selena lowers her eyes in what he swears is disappointment, although she would never admit it.

3:15 – 4:10 pm: A nap. Dreams of flying. Awakens feeling renewed and hopeful. Not in the mood for The Godfather, but decides to watch an old movie. Something from before he was born. Settles on Jurassic Park.

4:13 – 4:22 pm: Calls mother back. Accepts warm wishes of a happy birthday. Reluctantly discusses upcoming tour, recent recording sessions, American politics. Hangs up after giving flimsy excuse about meeting with business manager.

4:23 – 4:41 pm: Mentally scripts prank phone calls to each Jonas brother. Holds back from making them.

4:52 – 6:50 pm: Suggests that Selena watch Jurassic Park with him. She agrees. They watch the movie. Both feel underwhelmed by the special effects.

7:04 – 8:27 pm: Birthday dinner with friends and family. Family-style Italian at a local chain restaurant. Delicious, if a little carb-heavy. Ice cream cake follows. It reminds him of his own mortality. Thinks: “Will I ever enjoy ice cream cake the same way again? Is this what being an adult is?”

9:00 – 10:00 pm: Private room karaoke with friends. Feels the nakedness of his voice without studio effects. Admires it. Thinks again of American Psycho and also now Dreamgirls. Remembers a scene from Big with Tom Hanks, a movie he once saw on television and whose name he cannot remember. Feels good. Holds hands with Selena.

10:33– 11:06 pm: Cuddles with Selena. Tells her he had a nice birthday. Does not mention recurring worries about his own historical significance and physical longevity. They fall asleep together on a bed that, while not made from money, cost as much as a bed of the same size, were it to be made of money.

11:07 pm – Morning: Dreams of flying again. This time, with wings. At first they are uncomfortable, but he soon grows accustomed to them. Sleep interrupted by sporadic texts from Usher regarding the number of attractive women in various Atlanta nightspots. TC mark


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  • Nishant

    “2:58 – 2:59 pm: Ponders the fleeting nature of both fame and human life. Thinks with despair on own mortality. Wonders how he will die. Remembers he gets to eat ice cream cake later. Perks up.”

  • JEReich

    Hilarious article!

  • cunt party

    “They fall asleep together on a bed that, while not made from money, cost as much as a bed of the same size, were it to be made of money.”
    thats one of best things ive read anywhere

  • Age

    Every time I look at him, I think of Hilary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry.”

  • Max K

    This is one of my favorite Thought Catalog articles of all time. Sighed a little when I saw Justin Bieber’s name in the title, but this is so original and hilarious. Well done sir. 

  • ninjatek

    “Something from before he was born. Settles on Jurassic Park.”  Owww owww my brain, owwwwww.

  • Anonymous

    it’s so weird how this seems like it could ACTUALLY be what goes through his mind in a day. nicely done

  • Tanya Salyers

    LOVE this.

  • misskimball

    I like to think he spent the whole day having sex with men

  • Kyle Angeletti

    I think the Usher interactions are bang on. 

  • Emma

    I mean this being read in a posh British accent.

    • emma

      ….imagine*, not mean.

  • Anonymous

    ‘remembers to never say never.’

  • Guest

    Ahahahaha. This is great.

  • Jake

    you lost me when they were underwhelmed with the special effects from jurassic park. the welcome to jurassic park sequence with the longnecks makes me weep.

    but i bounced back when i read dreamgirls.

  • Nishant

    This article is so good I want to comment on it AGAIN.

    ” Flexes again. Yeah.”

  • Joop

    Marry me, Josh Gondelman.

  • Fanboy

    would have been a good twist if he was wondering why Usher wants to have anything to do with him when it occurs to him that it has something to do with access to Bieber’s significantly younger fan base, experiencing throughout the day growing anxiety and associated denial.

  • Lesly

    Nooo, he spent the majority of the day banging it out with Selena Gomez.
    Celebrating that it is now legal and exempt of any statutory rape.
    Which I doubt they haven’t already done before now.

  • BieberHole69

    Spot On.  Where do you think of these things? That was like Ulysses but for the thoughts of a Canadian you-tubian male pop superstar on a single day, namely, his 18th birthday. A coming of Age tale. But i’ve only actually read portions of the book, like the Biebs and his movies. 

     “Apologizes to Jesus for the nonconsensual butt-touch earlier.”

  • Reply

    Aw, I think this was quite sweet. X’D

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