Thought Catalog

Hairstyles I Wish I’d Tried

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As a balding dude, my hairstyling days are behind me. When I go in for a trim, it’s mostly damage control. Some guys, when they let their hair grow out a little bit, gain a shaggy sort of charm. I just look like I’ve gone through a bad divorce and decided to give up on everything. I’m not bitter about it. I just wish I’d made the most of my thick full locks when I had the chance. The following are several hairstyles I wish I had tried out when I had a full head of hair.

The Mohawk

The Mohawk is the number one haircut I regret never attempting. It’s badass and rebellious, and there are a lot of sweet Mohawk variations. You can spike it up high or cut it short and keep it close to the scalp. You can dye it different colors. It’s a very versatile accessory that always manages to convey the message: “My job doesn’t offer benefits.” It’s an anti-authoritarian ‘do. I’ve got a lot of respect for the Mohawk.

This is not to be confused with the Fauxhawk, a recent development that takes the most punk rock hairstyle and turns it into the haircut of a lacrosse player named Hunter. If a friend of mine ever showed up to my home with a Fauxhawk, I would cut it off while he was yammering on and on about how UFC is the fastest growing sport in America.

My hair tufts up in the middle part (where there is hair). It makes me look like a baby duck. I call it the “No-hawk.”

Dreadlocks

Psych. A white guy with dreadlocks is an abomination against God’s will. Like genocide. Or a dog in a sweater. But more like a dog in a sweater.

The Mullet

My hair is generally all business, except for one time in high school when I (ill-advisedly) tried to grow an afro. Then it was all party. The mullet, as we all know, splits the difference. Half business. Half party. When someone sees a mullet from the front, he’s probably like: “This fella certainly has an MBA.” But from the back or side it’s like: “Waaaaait a minute! You probably spent the morning day-drinking in your confederate flag boxer shorts. You’re a wild card!”

I’ve always been very consistent. I’m all Harvey Dent pre facial-disfiguration. I need a little Two Face action in my life. If I had a mullet, I’d walk around flipping a coin to decide how I’d play out my day. On one side of the coin, there’d be a picture of Bill Gates (business), and on the other side, there’d be the image of Kid Rock (party). Am I going to volunteer at an orphanage or go on a three-day meth binge? It’s a 50/50 chance with a mullet.

Long Hair With a Mustache

I call this haircut “The Journey” because it makes you look like a member of the band Journey. It’s a great throwback look. I’ve always wanted to appear more natural playing a guitar solo while leaning against another guitarist, and I think this hairstyle would really do the trick.

Maybe, though, this cut should be named “The Roadie.” One thing I like about bands that have stayed together for a period of decades is that their fashion is getting a little more conservative (less super tight jeans, crisper haircuts), but their roadies have looked the same forever. Long, scraggly manes. Denim vests. Tattoos. If I built a time machine, I would bring a roadie with me whenever I traveled. That way, people would always assume he was just a roadie from their time.

Example:

Germany, 1938. “Who’s that guy carrying the violin case in the denim vest?” “Oh, he must be one of Wagner’s roadies.” Then, boom. Hitler’s dead.

Racing Stripes or Dollar Signs

The time for shaving hilarious designs into your hair has long since passed. It went away with Vanilla Ice and the end of Deion Sanders’s baseball career. But wow, was that a fun trend while it lasted. My parents would never let me get a dumb/ awesome hair cut, when I was a kid, and I’d like to make up for lost time. Technically, I still have enough hair to do it, but I think people would make fun of me. If I were ever a millionaire, though, this is the hairstyle I would try and bring back. People would see me and be in awe of my high top fade with the word “Fresh” etched into the back.

At this point, the only creative haircut I’m eligible for is the ponytail, but a ponytail on a guy with thinning hair just screams: “I know karate, and I am very eager to use it.” So from here on out, it’s a life of boring hair. I guess I’ll just have to display my unique personality through my collection of holiday-specific socks.

Psych. I’d rather have dreadlocks. TC mark

image – Jeff Turner

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    • Anonymous

      Hilarious. Also, love how open and self-deprecating you are about your hair loss. Nothing is more awkward than a guy who is clearly not taking it well.

      • Joshgondelman

        Thanks! It drives me bananas when guys can’t just be cool with it!

    • ________

      Growing up with an expert haircutter for a mom (equipped with all the most high-tech hair cutting tools) I tried on about a million different hairstyles throughout high school alone. Actually, if you look back at some pictures you’d think I was in high school for like 8 years based on how many different haircuts I had (each different style lasted about a week until I asked to have it shaved off or sculpted into something else).

      • hair today gone tomorrow

        Dear “________”, sounds like maybe that gave you a bit of an identity problem…

    • Feministim3

      why dwell on this shit? you don’t seem to be “just cool with it” since you are daydreaming in regret about what could have been and agonizing about the lack of the perhaps career and social potential laid back shag. yeck! you remind me of a Houellebecquian man obsessed with youth, unable to join the camp of the elderly and accept his decrepitude.

      • Joshgondelman

        I’m super happy with my career and social life. 
        I am a comedian and humor writer.
        These were jokes.

        I appreciate your taking the time to read, though, and I’m sorry you inferred such a bleak sense of my self-esteem from it!

        Have a great day!

        • Feministim3

          fuck me, I love you

    • Anonymous

      Personally, I like to think of my aging head of hair as an ancient bonsai tree… there’s an art in rearranging those remaining hairs. 

      • justno

        That comb-over ain’t fooling no-one. Cut it short dude, its the only way to lose your hair gracefully.

    • BarryKauf

      Great article Josh.  I’m pretty sure Eric has tried every one of these hairstyles.

      • Joshgondelman

        All at once!!!

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      have hope, josh gondelman, have hope

    • Browhat

      so dreadlocks are an abomination/like genocide, but a mohawk, taken from indigenous peoples/native american culture (those people who got their land ~*~and haircuts~*~* taken from them) totally isn’t. okay.

      • Anonymous

        LOL get out.

      • Domino

        why are people so sensitiveeeeeeeeeeeeee

    • yrfrnd


      If I built a time machine, I would bring a roadie with me whenever I traveled. That way, people would always assume he was just a roadie from their time.”
      Love this.

    • Benjy

      “A ponytail on a guy with thinning hair just screams: ‘I know karate, and I am very eager to use it.’ ”

      Best line of this article. Hilarious and true.

    • http://twitter.com/Joao_Nuno João Nuno Álvares

      Have you thought in that hairstyle that is now quite common among soccer players?

    • Anonymous

      http://

    • Anonymous

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    • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

      Maybe you could have a secret wig collection.

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