Last week, Jay-Z and Beyoncé welcomed their first daughter into the world. On January 7th, Beyoncé Knowles gave birth to Blue Ivy Carter, proving one thing and one thing for sure. I really need to get famous.
Blue Ivy is a combination of her father’s favorite color (Blue), and her mother’s favorite number (four, or Roman Numeral “IV”). Carter, of course, is the surname of Jay-Z (nee Shawn Carter). Blue Ivy is not a terrible name for a baby girl. But it’s definitely not something you could get away with naming your own daughter unless you were some kind of celebrity to begin with. Regular people can’t even really get away with giving a child an ethnically incongruous name.
I don’t have any children, or even any plans to have children. But if I ever do, I want to make sure I have the full range of naming options available to me. I refuse to be stifled by the tyranny of “Christina” and “Taylor.” When I am famous, my baby will have the greatest possible name.
Here are several options for my newborn:
Slamdunk Karatechop Gondelman
Pros: They say your name has a big influence on your life. A strong name instills its bearer with confidence, while a wimpy name can foster anxiety. There is no name stronger than Slamdunk Karatechop. That’s a name full of dominance on every level. I guess it might benefit from losing the “Gondelman,” but I’m hoping that I might gain some self-esteem from my association with such a badass little kid.
Cons: I have nerd genes. My future babymama will most likely also have nerd genes. Slamdunk Karatechop might end up being an ironic name and lead to extra teasing and reduced confidence overall.
Variations: There are plenty of awesome variants on this name. Stephenhawkingsbrain Georgeclooneyseyes Gondelman. RockyII RockyIII Gondelman. Tinafey Amypoehler Gondelman. Sudoku Crosswordpuzzle Gondelman. The list goes on and on.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice-Gondelman:
Pros: I can yell my child’s name, and then he has to appear in front of me. That will come in handy during the unpleasant teenage years. Oh, you’re out past curfew? Well…“Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice-Gondelman!” And there he is.
Cons: The last name of my child’s mother has to be Beetlejuice. It’s not impossible. It’s just unlikely.
Variations: For a girl, I could go with Bloody Mary Gondelman. But that seems a little cruel.
Vanilla Ice Gondelman
Pros: There is no way that any human could be the object of as much ridicule as the original Vanilla Ice. By comparison, whatever my son or daughter ends up doing will seem super cool and not at all contrived. Plus, if there was a problem, yo Vanilla Ice Gondelman will solve it.
Cons: I’ll need to cross my fingers that V.I.G. is a twin, and the other child wants to be a DJ. Also, objectively, Vanilla Ice is a really bad name. Even for a nickname in 1991, it was bad. Seriously, he couldn’t have come up with White Chocolate? We get it, you’re white, and you’re cold. Then why not just Ice?
Variations: There are so many possibilities. MC Hammer Gondelman, Chumbawumba Gondelman, Milli Vanilli Gondelman. The choices are limitless.
Banana Split Gondelman
Pros: I don’t like banana splits, but you have to love your kids. Maybe I’ll come to like bananas through positive associations with my child’s name.
Cons: That’s a pretty selfish reason for naming a kid something. I might as well just name him or her after my friends’ birthdays and anniversaries so I remember them more easily. November 12th Gondelman. No. I will not do that.
Variations: I should probably go with a food I already love, just so I don’t say my daughter’s name (yes, Banana Split is a girl’s name) with disdain. Buffalo Chicken Pizza Gondelman or Afternoon Nap Gondelman sound good.
President _____________ Gondelman
Pros: The blank is for a regular-type first name. For a boy, it will be James, because that is the most common name in the history of the United States presidency. For a girl, it will be Madison, because there has been one President Madison. A lifetime of being called “President” will prepare my child for greatness.
Cons: In the event that my offspring rises to the highest elected office in the land, citizens will have to call him or her “President President Gondelman,” which could get weird. This is admittedly unlikely, as my children will be Jewish.
Variations: Your Highness ___________ Gondelman, Captain __________ Gondelman, Chief Executive Officer __________ Gondelman. You get it.
Bumblebee Charlemagne Gondelman
Pros: Really flexes my celebrity clout by testing the boundaries of ridiculousness. Bumblebee Charlemagne rivals Moon Unit Zappa and Kal-El Cage for pure crazy.
Cons: None for me.
Variations: Here’s my time to shine! The world is my oyster. I could, conceivably, choose: Etch-a-Sketch Gondelman, Rootin’ Tootin’ Gondelman, Gathering of the Juggalos Gondelman, Emergency Contact Gondelman, Deep Blue Sea Gondelman, Yankees Suck Gondelman, Petty Larceny Gondelman, Ten Points to Gryffindor Gondelman, or Lint Trap Gondelman. Boom.
So here we are. Me, not famous and with no reproductive prospects. But some day, both of those things could change. And with any luck, when my first-born arrives, I’ll be in the position to introduce the world to All-Nine-Members-of-the-Wu–Tang-Clan Gondelman.