Thought Catalog

Everything I Know About Love, I Learned From Cats

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Nowadays, you can hardly have a public sobbing fit without knocking over some kind of dating advice book. From The Game to He’s Just Not That Into You, these tomes tell you exactly what to do to attract the opposite (or same) sex. But I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to read a book to figure out the keys to sex and romance. Take a cue from me. Everything I need to know about love, I learned from Puddin’, my roommate’s cat.

Be Independent

Unlike dogs, who constantly crave attention and validation, cats hold it down for themselves. Puddin’ doesn’t need someone to take him out for walks. Puddin’ doesn’t need anyone to throw a stick for him to fetch. Puddin’ is comfortable with Puddin’. He sleeps when he wants. He eats when he wants. He works hard on his scratching post, and he plays hard with his plush mouse. Puddin’ is self-actualized. From watching him, I realized that I need to be happy in my own fur (in my case, skin) before I can love someone else.

Listen To Your Body

Only you know what’s best for you. Humans are usually awake during the day, but that’s prime sleeping time for cats. Puddin’ knows what Puddin’ wants. He sleeps during the daylight, but at night he’s on the prowl. That’s just what works for him.

You’ve got to know what your body needs. If you can’t party all the time, don’t date such a social butterfly. If you are a morning person, don’t let anyone tell you that’s wrong. A relationship can’t be happy if it’s not healthy. And in a healthy relationship, each person has to respect the physical needs of the other.

Have Some Attitude

Puddin’ doesn’t take guff from anyone. If you try to scratch his belly, and he doesn’t want his belly scratched, then look out. You’re going to get bitten. What? Puddin’ was lying on his back practically begging you to scratch him? Don’t be obtuse. Puddin’ is a complicated cat. Maybe he’s been burned before by a girl who said she wanted to scratch his belly forever, and then she left him for a drummer and told Puddin’ that his life was “in a rut” and he had “no ambition.” Maybe Puddin’ doesn’t want to put himself out there again. And no matter how badly he wants his belly scratched, he’s going to make you work for it. Maybe he’s just playing hard to get. Rawr.

Plus, he can just take a dump wherever he wants. That’s pretty bad-ass. It’s like: “Yeah, I’ve got issues, okay. But I own that. And you have to decide how you feel now that everything’s out on the table. Because I literally pooped on the table.”

Don’t Have Genitals

Justin, my roommate, is a responsible pet owner. When Justin adopted Puddin’ from the cat shelter, he had Puddin’ neutered. When Puddin’ makes a decision, he does what’s right for him. He’s not thinking with his libido. He can’t. He literally has no functioning genitalia.

Now that’s freedom. The liberation from the need for empty sexual fulfillment. When Puddin’ settles down, (I mean, if he does. He’s quite the bachelor.) it’s not going to be for physical reasons.

I’m not saying I’ve had a doctor physically disable my genitalia. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. And you’d be crazy if you didn’t consider it too.

Walk on All Fours

This one is obvious. On all fours, you have superior balance, more explosive jumping capability, and a low center of gravity. Yeah, cats are quadrupeds with four feet, and humans are bipeds with only two. Who cares? You don’t have to conform to anyone else’s standards. Remember: Be Independent.

If you want, you can walk on all fours. I do it. Before, people would push me around. I was a punching bag. Now, no one even goes near me. Why? They’re intimidated by my fierce independence and explosive jumping capability. And women love confidence. Generally, I find that they’re ambivalent to explosive jumping capability.

Sever All Ties With Your Biological Family

Puddin’ never sees his mother or any of the other kittens from his litter. Why should he? He’s off the teat. He’s out there in the world. Clawing couches. Pooping on tables. No one jumps all up Puddin’s ass for “missing his grandfather’s eightieth birthday party” or “walking around on all fours like a cat all day.” Unlike my stupid family.

Dammit, mom. Can’t you see that I’m just trying to be independent? That I march to the tune of my own drummer? Maybe it’s a different world now, and you don’t have to have kids by twenty-seven. TC mark

image – Shutterstock
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Poetry that will change you

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

You’ve never read poetry like this before

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  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    … bleak.

  • guest

    For a minute there, you had me. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=717472153 Fahad Ashar Jalees

    Almost. Juuuuuust almost.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    How to stay single forever: Get a cat, then pretend to be one.

    • Domino

      nah

  • amanda

    So true. plus, cats will greet you at the door when you get home to let you know that they love you, just as you would want a significant other to do.

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee Jamie ❤ 。◕

    lol

    its ok for cats to have attitude because they don’t know any better :P

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

    I would clap for this article but I’m using my hands for walking.

  • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

    Can we get an update on the cat-article war? Brad? Josh? Brandon? Is there a league table? Can I make a league table? Is someone #winning? Can one of the three be eliminated? Then can the eliminated writer host a live-blogging debate between the final two on TC? Judged by a panel of select TC authors? Winner gets to be King of Kats? ….hmmm…..

    • Joshgondelman

      I defer to the other two! I’m a Johnny come lately to the cat-writing game.

  • http://twitter.com/courtleee courtleee

    Be easily amused-  spend 5 minutes reading this article and giggling like an idiot just as your cat chases that laser pointer around for an hour.

  • Clitty McLabia

    I guess I’m going to have to exchange my turtle for a cat now. 

  • Shwax

    I’m going to be independent AND listen to my body when I take a nap on the stairs later.

  • Gaa

    Lol @ Puddin’

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Flatter those who will fulfill your desires.  And once your desires are fulfilled, throw them to the curb! …….my cat only loves me when she wants food :(

  • Ipeeinlitterboxesnowthnxalot

    I bought a litter box after reading this. I don’t have any pets. 0-0

    • spinflux

      You will. This article just impregnated you with kittens.

  • Greyfairy

    Cat is a selfish pet. They only come to you when they need you . Oh ! I just realized that its a lesson of  love too. :P

  • Jenny

    i loved this. everything about it. 

  • Diamondsinthedark

    I wish someone called me Puddin’

  • Fissy

    Sever ties with your family? A lot of women will see that as a red flag. They want to see that you’re likable and family-oriented. They want to meet your mother and see that you respect her. Good luck.

    • J.B.

      …you’re questioning this, and not “walk on all fours” or “don’t have genitals”?

  • http://twitter.com/SophiiieCooke Sophie Cooke

    This is amazing. And I miss my kitty Tallulah :(

  • http://www.clothedmuch.com Elaine

    Hahahaha. Loved the last bit…

  • http://leydicu.wordpress.com leydicu

    Reblogged this on leydicu.

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