There’s so much pressure to pick sides, to let people know where you stand. Yankees or Red Sox? Team Edward or Team Jakob? Republican or Democrat? Sometimes it’s hard to choose. Here’s a quick test to help you decide that age-old problem: Are you or are you not Bruce Springsteen?
1. What are your feelings on your hometown?
a. It’s so cute!
b. A little sleepy, but a nice place to raise kids.
c. Pretty weak, but’s the only place my band can book shows.
d. It’s a death trap. It’s a suicide rap.
2. What did your father do for a living?
a. Yoga teacher.
c. Sold insurance until he’d saved up enough to retire to Florida.
d. Worked at the mill until his dying day, just like his father before him.
3. What is your favorite Christmas Carol to sing?
a. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” because it’s kind of naughty.
b. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” because it reminds you of family.
c. “Christmas in Hollis” by Run-DMC because…obviously.
d. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” because you can sing it once while drunk and people will listen to it every Christmas for years.
4. Finish this sentence: Tramps like…
a. to eat spaghetti with ladies.
b. Charlie Chaplin were silent film stars.
c. wrecking homes.
d. us, baby we were born to run.
5. What is your best friend’s nickname?
c. Crazy Mike
d. The Big Man
6. When do you consider your “glory days?”
a. The time you got those really cute Ugg boots you’d been looking at.
b. The birth of your first child.
c. When you saved up enough to get your first apartment on your own.
d. Playing high school baseball, weirdly enough.
7. When you are motivated, you are…
a. Totes magotes excited, for realsies.
b. Ready to get down to business.
c. Pumped up.
d. Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.
8. As a child, where did your family live?
a. A gated community.
b. A high-rise apartment building in New York City.
c. The backstreets.
d. Thunder Road
9. For a true casual Friday, what would you wear to work?
a. Leggings with a long t-shirt over them, like I’m going to class.
b. Dockers and a polo shirt. That’s what I always wear to relax.
c. My favorite warm-up suit.
d. T-shirt. Ripped jeans. American flag bandana. But, to be fair, I wear that to work every day.
10. Who do you consider your hero?
a. Paris Hilton
b. Hillary Clinton
c. Bruce Springsteen
d. The Working Class
Take one point for every a. answer, two for every b. answer, three for every c. answer and four for every d. answer.
10-15 Points: You are not Bruce Springsteen. In fact, you may never have heard of Bruce Springsteen. It is possible that you are Ke$ha.
16-25 Points: You are familiar with Bruce Springsteen. Maybe you are even a fan. When one of his new songs comes on the radio, you think, “This sounds like Springsteen.” You would like to see him live, but you’ve got kids, and the ticket prices, plus parking and a babysitter… ouch. And if it’s on a work night, forget it.
26-35 Points: You’re a big fan. You would like very much to be Bruce Springsteen, and you’re not too far off. You love Nebraska, and you think Born to Run is the greatest rock and roll album of all time. You are probably from New Jersey. Possibly you are one of the members of The Hold Steady.
36-40 Points: You’re him! You’re really him! You’re Bruce! The Boss! You’ve got a guitar and you’ve learned how to make it talk! Please, take me away from our boring hometown on a motorcycle or other fast driving thing!