Thought Catalog

What Women Really Need

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Guys, we all know that what women say they want is different from what they actually need. Sure they might say they want a nice guy or a chance to study yoga in India, but that’s just a cover up for deeper needs that they usually won’t admit to. Fellas, no matter what ladies say, the things they need most are food, shelter, and potable drinking water.

Seriously, women need food. Sometimes they may want to eat salad. Sometimes they may want to eat sloppy joes. It doesn’t matter. Without food, women will physically die. Literally, they will stop living. Food contains nutrients such as Vitamin C and Riboflavin that women need to survive. So when a woman says she wants a good listener, know that the subtext is that she needs potassium to live. She also needs a ton of other vitamins and minerals that she’ll “conveniently” never mention to you. There’s glucose in food that the mitochondria in her cells need to produce adenosine triphosphate so she can move around and stuff. These are things that you’re just expected to know. It’s 2011, guys, and women don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t understand that.

But food alone can’t fulfill a woman. Not kale, and not even chocolate. It’s not like the comic strip Cathy. Women in this day and age need more. Like shelter. Seriously, dudes. Women need shelter from the elements. They can’t just live on a hammock or in a pillow fort. They’ll get sick. Women need walls. They need roofs. I’m not saying you need to provide those for them, but if a woman is trying to find shelter, and you stand in her way, you’re being a jerk. It’s not the prehistoric era anymore. You can’t just drag a woman back to your cave by the hair. First of all, that’s assault. Secondly, a cave does not provide adequate protection from rain, wind, and large predatory animals. Why are you even living in a cave? That’s insane. Get with the program.

Finally, women need potable drinking water. As a guy, you’re probably like: “I’ll drink any water, regardless of the toxins it may contain. Who cares if it is radioactive or full of the ebola virus?” Women aren’t like that. When they say potable drinking water, they really mean it. If you say your drinking water is potable, and it isn’t, a woman will know. She’s not going to write off that flesh eating bacteria or radiation poisoning as fun or cute. Be a man. Face facts. It is not too much for a woman in this day and age to ask for water that she can drink that will hydrate her with little to no crippling physical side effects.

Don’t go crazy trying to meet these needs for a woman right away. If you just met someone and all of a sudden you’re digging her a well or building her a wigwam, you’re probably coming on a little strong. Start small. Maybe with a sandwich (food) or a glass of water (water). Plus, given that women under thirty are now earning as much as men of the same age, they are likely to have addressed these needs on their own. Don’t just assume that a woman is lacking a sturdy residence. Listen to her. Just know, that there are certain things that may go unsaid.

Look, when you meet a woman, and she tells you that she wants someone to build a future with or to find an internship in San Diego so she can be near her family, be aware that there are some deeper issues she’s not addressing. On a basic level, if you’re standing in the way of her ability to secure food, shelter, or potable drinking water, then all the backrubs in the world aren’t going to make this work.

Sorry, bros. That’s just how it is. TC mark

image – kevin dooley
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    • Emma

      i loved this:)

      • skinny minnie

        He’s a chubby chaser.

        • guest

          I actually know the guy. He isn’t.

    • a.

      Sorry, but this is bullshit.

      • Anonymous

        wahhhhh want me to call the wambulance?

    • Rishtopher

      This was hilarious, keep these articles coming!

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      To get into the kitchen and make me a goddam sandwich! 
      No, I’m kidding.  I’m kidding.  I love women.  I work with them every day.

      • http://www.facebook.com/SheriffMartyStrikesBack Kirsten Lief Guillory

        i think this article is saying you need to make me a sandwich lol

    • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

      food meter is low

    • Hannah

      Cmon guys, this is excellently well-written.

    • Natalie

      I clicked on this ready to rage, but then was thoroughly amused. 

      • Emily

        Same here!

    • Sedb89

      This is the worst article I’ve ever read on thought catalog. 

      • sarah

        you must not have read much on here then…

      • SHE WOMAN

        Are you a fan of Ryan O’Connell?

      • SHE WOMAN

        Are you a fan of Ryan O’Connell?

    • Woman

      I’m hungry…

    • WOMAN2

      real funny! good work! 

    • http://paintwithwords.tumblr.com leah

      ohmygod. everyone i know needs to read this so that i can quote it all the time.

      ‘why are you even living in a cave? that’s insane.’
      and ‘large predatory animals’and also ‘sandwich (food) or a glass of water (water).’

      i love. kudos.

    • Poly0Ester

      AMAZE-BALLS!!! 

    • Anonymous

      phlpn.es/829r8s

    • loo

      biddies and their needz smdh

    • Reid

      This article stank. 

    • ariel

       This was hilarious.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=642250038 Jules O' Meingott

      was waiting for the funny bit… it never happened. 

      I have a feeling that the main message form the author is that men and women are the exact same… but they really really aren’t.

      • ariel

        I think you are reading too deep into it. I think he was just making fun of all the relationship advice articles that have shown up here lately. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        That’s not what he meant at all.

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        That’s not what he meant at all.

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        That’s not what he meant at all.

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        That’s not what he meant at all.

    • Sophia

      I feel like I’m missing it. The joke. What exactly is the satirical joke?

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        He wrote a Cosmo-ish article about telling guys what women’s REAL emotional needs are. An article that says “sorry guys, this is how they are. they aren’t guys, they’re ladies, and they have needs.” but instead of emotional needs, he changed it to the most base of all needs. then wrote it like you (the guy) is an idiot for not knowing it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        He wrote a Cosmo-ish article about telling guys what women’s REAL emotional needs are. An article that says “sorry guys, this is how they are. they aren’t guys, they’re ladies, and they have needs.” but instead of emotional needs, he changed it to the most base of all needs. then wrote it like you (the guy) is an idiot for not knowing it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/patrickhuffine Patrick Huffine

        He wrote a Cosmo-ish article about telling guys what women’s REAL emotional needs are. An article that says “sorry guys, this is how they are. they aren’t guys, they’re ladies, and they have needs.” but instead of emotional needs, he changed it to the most base of all needs. then wrote it like you (the guy) is an idiot for not knowing it.

    • Anonymous

      To all Bullshit Measurers and Bullshit Eaters: try human shit next time.

    • Guest

      josh gondelman you are the cutest

    • Woman 8

      The title says Need, not Want.  He was giving it to use straight.

      I found this to be hilarious!

    • best guest

      So, I first read “potable” as “portable,” and was confused. Then I realized it was “potable,” and I was still confused. Why must it be put in a pot? Then, I looked up the word “potable,” and all confused disappeared. 

      Thanks, Josh. 

    • Sarah

      Oh my god I laughed out loud in the middle of the very silent open plan office that I work in like a crazy person! Very well written article!!

    • Smcrae2396

      So much love for this piece, and so much hilarity at the willful misreadings of it. Women need these basic things, they do not necessarily need men to provide them, but on the other hand, they ought not get in the way of women having basic life things either, and duh, and everybody is looking for the narrative they don’t get of women needing men for stuff and their outrage goes in little wheels.  Awesomeness.

    • Robin Spinner

      I think I peed a little.  Thanks for the laugh!

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