I’ve got to say, I was a little skeptical when [Name of Medium-Successful Athlete Withheld] told me he met a girl at the opening of Club Paradise Lost, the new Las Vegas night spot where the dress code is “fig leaf only.” It just didn’t seem to be the environment to meet a real down to earth girl. And [Athlete’s Name] has been burned by gold-digging socialites in the past. He just has a weakness for trashy women with checkered pasts, no offense Kim. If I had a dollar for every time he bought a Bentley for a stripper he’d just met…well, I do actually. I’m his childhood best friend/business manager/accountant. But the point is, it’s happened a lot. He does anything for these girls, and they always break his heart. It’s ironic. Like making it rain on your wedding day.
And I must say, a few more red flags went up when I heard that the girl he’d fallen for this time was none other than Kim Kardashian herself. And when I say a few red flags, I mean it was like Chinese 4th of July. No disrespect, Kim. I’ve grown to love you and embrace you as part of the family just as [Athlete’s Name] has. You’re sweet and generous and beautiful. You make my oldest and best friend very happy.
I hope the next few months, the planned duration of your matrimony, are the best of your lives. Kim will attend your [sport redacted] games like a dutiful wife. [Athlete’s Name] will help Kim weather her mom and sister drama like an upstanding husband. You two will make an attractive couple at red carpet events and coming out of fancy restaurants. Well, she’s very attractive. Probably a little out of your league, as is her custom. You two will be inseparable. Then, of course, the staged squabbling will begin. The fights for the benefit of the Keeping Up With the Kardashians audience. There will be hard times.
Kim, [Athlete’s Name], being in a sham marriage is hard work. No one ever said it was easy. There’s a lot that goes into it that people don’t realize. Keeping a straight face for the public in good times and bad. Not publicly having affairs. Hanging out with each other’s families that you don’t care about at all. But you guys can make it. For the next several weeks, you will enjoy the good times, and then let the bad times quickly erode this façade of a union. But you’ll do it all together. And that’s what’s important.
Remember [Athlete’s Name], when everything’s said and done, a public stunt marriage isn’t about money. It’s not about love. For you, it’s not even about fame. It’s about getting to have sex with a super-hot woman with no talent other than convincing famous and talented men to have intercourse with her by having a public sexual resume of leaked pornographic video and other fake relationships.
Most women, when they are beautiful and famous, have high self-esteem. They don’t need to do crazy depraved sex things to land a man and keep him interested. Not so with Kim. This is all she has. So really take advantage. Go nuts. Tell her about all of your crazy, borderline Law and Order: SVU fantasies. Seize the day. You’re in a fake marriage. Make the most of it. Maybe it is not an issue of keeping a man, and she just likes wacky sex stuff. Either way, pal, get after it.
Kim, [Athlete’s Name], you’ve embarked on a partnership together. Not a journey of love, but something closer to outlandishly expensive prostitution. That’s something not everyone gets to say. I’m sorry, I’m tearing up. What you guys have is really rare and beautiful. A lot of people will say what you have is a fraud and will be over soon. But remember, guys, nothing lasts forever. Even cold calculated televised marriages.
So I’d like everyone to raise a toast, to [Athlete’s Name] and Kim. May their marriage burn brightly for as long as is financially lucrative.