Stop Mocking Me, Groupon

I subscribe to Groupon’s mailing list. Each morning without fail, I receive an opportunity to purchase some sort of discounted item or activity. Classes. Crafts. Exotic foods. I’ve only ever taken advantage of one of these offers, a 60% off discount at my favorite barbecue restaurant. In fact, Groupon made me sign up for the mailing list so I could purchase the BBQ discount. Otherwise I wouldn’t be subscribed at all. So because I couldn’t turn down a half-price pulled pork sandwich, I receive daily reminders of everything my life could be. Every day Groupon mocks me with the boundless potential of the world around me. And I want it to stop.

This month alone, Groupon has offered me deals on theater tickets, yoga classes, French food, and an electric toothbrush. Thanks, Groupon for reminding me of all the things I don’t have the time, money, or courage to do. I doubt that I’m going to take a night off of working to see Peter Pan. I buy discount eggs, so it’s unlikely I’d spring for duck confit at a swanky bistro. I won’t do pushups if my roommates are home, so chances are slim that I’d try yoga for the first time in a room packed with sweaty, flexible strangers. Plus, I already own an electric toothbrush. Thanks for nothing, Groupon.

Every value offered to me reminds that I am a creature of habit. It takes a lot for me to break out of my routine and seek out new experiences. As I dismiss every value, day after day, I work my way through a predetermined emotional cycle:

  1. Feel intrigued by the Groupon. (Ooh, Moroccan food! And 75% off!)
  2. Make an excuse why I wouldn’t use the Groupon. (Do I even like Moroccan food?)
  3. Feel guilty about the excuse. (Why am I afraid to try new things? Isn’t that what life’s about?)

Groupon, your values point deeply discounted fingers at me! They call me a shell of a man! What have I become, Groupon?

I’ve seen friends get seduced by value, lured to their PayPal accounts by the siren song of savings. A group of my acquaintances recently jumped all over a thirty-dollar paintball excursion. Now, that’s a great deal… if you play paintball. But at least one of my friends has never played before. Plus, they’ve now got the stressful scenario of planning an excursion for a dozen friends, all with their own schedules to coordinate. What if they never go, and the coupon expires? They’ll be just another horde of bargain seafarers, dashed against the rocks of a deal that was too good to be true. This is the stuff of my nightmares!

“But Josh,” you may say. “Why don’t you stop your entitled whining and unsubscribe from the Groupon mailing list?”

Great question, hypothetical reader. I keep my name on the list because as much as Groupon’s messages remind me of who I am, they give me a glimpse of the person I could be. Every morning, as I discard an offer for (let’s say) 50% off of an hour of kayaking, I have a brief moment of hope. Maybe someday I can be the guy that spends his weekend paddling gracefully through a river. Perhaps in the future I will want to spend eighty-six dollars on a basket of artisanal cheeses valued at twice that price. Who can say for sure that my life will never get to a place when I can spend what is currently one week’s earnings on a horse-drawn tour through an art museum or some other insanity?

Groupon gives me the hope that at some point I may live a life of culture and luxury, an existence where leisure would consist of something other than hoping there’s a fight at the midnight showing of Tower Heist. (And yes, I snuck in my own candy.) Groupon is my Helen Hunt from As Good As It Gets. It makes me want to be a better man. Until then, though, how about a coupon for 50% off Pringles of a 35% savings on the soft kind of toilet paper? And yes, I know that would just be a regular coupon. But come on, Groupon. Throw me a bone. TC mark

image – Groupon

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  • Anonymous

    you know that nifty unsubscribe link at the bottom of the e-mail? its there for a reason..

    • Josh Gondelman

      Great point! It is addressed!

  • http://twitter.com/Erikhaspresence Erik Stinson

    this is dark

  • http://twitter.com/scottneyspears Scott

    i LOVE this article. you know what i hate the most about groupon? the constant wine-tasting offers. im 20. -_____- #ihatebeingachild

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      In other words, your palate is limited to Jose Cuervo and cheap beer. 

  • http://twitter.com/rawnstet Veronica Stetter

    LOL groupon is awesome. maybe you should try some more new things you might like it! and for girls i guess its different because i always get deals for salons on there…truly a lifesaver because getting your hair done is $100-$300 a pop

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      I got my last haircut done with a kitchen knife by my boyfriend for merely the cost of enough booze to get drunk enough to think that was a good idea

      $avings

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        And when you were sober and saw what he had done, you performed a prostatectomy on him free of charge, I take it. 

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        Nah, takes two to tango

    • Leslienkyle

      You HAVE to try lifebooker.com…godsend for hair, waxing, etc. Moved away from NYC and I truly miss it.

    • http://twitter.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

      Seriously? Where the fuck are you getting your hair done?

  • http://twitter.com/patwitchia itnavon aicirtap

    brb checking my e-mail

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i’m subscribed to groupon but i get e-mails from livingsocial

  • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

    i rarely am ever enticed by spa/salon offers anymore because i’ve used groupon to try some out before and have received shite service because they judged me as a groupon user. so screw those offers, along with the 75% off fitness classes for a month.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    “I won’t do pushups if my roommates are home”
    OH HONEY ME TOO :(

    And yeah, months of groupon and all I’ve bought was a coupon for an Indian Restaurant. Hm.

  • Anonymous
  • hannah

    Fuck you. I live in a small town and subscribed to Groupon just so I could see how much fun I’d be having if I lived in Boston or NYC. 

    • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

      oh god i do that too
      like i mark these places as potential places to go.

  • Anonymous
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